Humility = Freedom

hu⋅mil⋅i⋅ty: the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. (Dictionary.com)
I think I may be finally starting to understand the importance and relevance of humility. All these years, I've pretended to be humble, while in my heart have held myself in very high esteem, considering myself a very important person worthy of praise and honor and a following. I started reading a book tonight entitled "The Power of Kindness." In it, the author, Piero Ferrucci, talks about honesty as being an important element to kindness. Pretending to be kind for appearances is one of the most dishonest and painful sins against my soul I've committed. Hiding the truth from myself or another for fear of appearing 'unkind' lacks integrity, and reflects pride. To lie is weakness. To live in truth, though, is freedom. This requires humility.
I re-read a wall post tonight on a friend's page: "What is the difference between people who are God's gift to the world and people who think they are?" I have reason to believe this post may have been about me, or perhaps that's my pride getting the best of me. Either way, I took it to heart, and it stung, because it rang true. I do think I am God's gift to the world! And it is just this attempt at remaining important and securing my relevance that entraps me into perfection and paralyzes me in fear. Should I let go and really just be who I am without weighing the costs, I'd experience real freedom in my life, because there'd be no more need to try and hold all the walls up from collapsing in on me. If we stop pretending, then, as Ferrucci says, "all the artifices and the efforts to hold our life together fall away. What a relief."
The response to my friend's wall post that led me to this place tonight read, "Humility. I think one can only truly be a blessing to the world when they finally realize that they are nothing compared to God and acknowlege that it is for His purposes that we were created and not our own."
Now, I don't know about the "nothing compared to God" part, 'cause that doesn't quite jive with my theology (all that 'false' humility really isn't helpful, a la the "Lord, I'm not worthy to receive you" business) but the part about having been created for God's purposes and not our own - now THAT's a relief! You mean, all this struggle and strain and attempt to secure my own importance, my LEGacy, are in vain? You mean, it's true what Jewel sings that "in the end only kindness matters?" I don't have to be quite as calculating, visionary and manipulative as I try to be? This whole humility business is rather shaky ground for me. And yet, there's freedom in the possibilities it holds. The freedom allowed me here is the freedom to admit the following, and not be afraid:

• I am not the most eloquent writer ('though writing brings me great pleasure).
• I am not the most mindful manager ('though sharing ideas and supporting others' work is fulfilling to me).
• I don't always have compassion for people and their problems ('though when I can be there for someone in that way, I experience my purpose).
• I love to sing ('though I experience stage fright almost every time I perform).
• I am writing my own music ('though having a terrible time coming up with lyrics to verses!)
• I am not the healthiest person I know, nor do I consider it a crime against humanity that I'm not ('though I am doing my very best to nurture and support myself these days).
• I make mistakes. A lot. I say the wrong thing, I don't say what needs to be said, I lie, I withhold the truth, all in an effort to protect myself and my image. (that one's gonna hang out on its own for impact)
• I call myself a Catholic but am more ignorant of Catholic teaching and negligent of Catholic practices and traditions than I'd ever want people to know. But, there it is.
• I consider myself a disciple of Jesus, but there was a time not long ago that I denied the very existence of the historical man (I'm sorry, Lord.) I'm still very curious about it all, and not quite clear about the whole thing, but I have faith that the living Christ will show me the way, in time. (I'm still learning).
• I'm still learning. I don't know everything there is to know or even everything I (supposedly) should know, about teaching, music, ministry, being a friend, or really anything, actually.
• In fact, I'm not a very good teacher at all. I'm just a good person who loves teenagers. Usually, that's good enough.
• I think I know what's best for me regarding my future, but I don't. And that's ok.

Confessions of a Prideaholic. That's the new name for this entry.
to humble: to destroy the independence, power, or will of.
Destroy my will, God. Make me dependent, upon you and other people for love, for kindness. Make me dependent upon kindness for happiness and freedom. Destroy my power. Nothing I try to do out a love of power, even if done "for you" or "in your name" will amount to anything as great as what I do with the power of love.
What about you? Love of power, or power of love?