Never Alone

So, today I was working away at school - specifically, reading through my list of emails for the most pressing messages to which to respond or on which to take action. I was feeling overwhelmed as I sat in the chair in my office - not the one at my desk, because the desk was way too messy to even think clearly (me, not the desk). Then, a beautiful angel came in named Ysa Yu. She's one of my students, a senior, and she's a precious beam of light. She came in to see if there was any way she could help - with anything. After we had her do some busy work, she kept asking, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" Part of me wanted so strongly to just be left alone to sift through all the work I had to do, as it seemed it was piling up on me, much like the piles of books and boxes in my office. But another part of me - the wiser part - accepted her offer of help and, though hesitantly and quite reluctantly at first, agreed to allow her to help me by putting away some things that had been sitting around for weeks (no, months) in that space. She shelved books and sorted through a box of binders I had been "meaning to get to" cleaning out for some time. And all along she was just so amazing. So gentle and so loving and so helpful. And I allowed myself to be treated gently and lovingly and helpfully by this very special student of life, who has so much more to teach me than I have her.



So, in honor of today's achievement of surrendering to the assistance, I dedicate this song to her, and to anyone else who ever feels that they have to (or would like to choose to) go at anything alone.



This is my May 2009 performance at the ProVoce Vocal Studios recital.

Humility = Freedom

hu⋅mil⋅i⋅ty: the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. (Dictionary.com)
I think I may be finally starting to understand the importance and relevance of humility. All these years, I've pretended to be humble, while in my heart have held myself in very high esteem, considering myself a very important person worthy of praise and honor and a following. I started reading a book tonight entitled "The Power of Kindness." In it, the author, Piero Ferrucci, talks about honesty as being an important element to kindness. Pretending to be kind for appearances is one of the most dishonest and painful sins against my soul I've committed. Hiding the truth from myself or another for fear of appearing 'unkind' lacks integrity, and reflects pride. To lie is weakness. To live in truth, though, is freedom. This requires humility.
I re-read a wall post tonight on a friend's page: "What is the difference between people who are God's gift to the world and people who think they are?" I have reason to believe this post may have been about me, or perhaps that's my pride getting the best of me. Either way, I took it to heart, and it stung, because it rang true. I do think I am God's gift to the world! And it is just this attempt at remaining important and securing my relevance that entraps me into perfection and paralyzes me in fear. Should I let go and really just be who I am without weighing the costs, I'd experience real freedom in my life, because there'd be no more need to try and hold all the walls up from collapsing in on me. If we stop pretending, then, as Ferrucci says, "all the artifices and the efforts to hold our life together fall away. What a relief."
The response to my friend's wall post that led me to this place tonight read, "Humility. I think one can only truly be a blessing to the world when they finally realize that they are nothing compared to God and acknowlege that it is for His purposes that we were created and not our own."
Now, I don't know about the "nothing compared to God" part, 'cause that doesn't quite jive with my theology (all that 'false' humility really isn't helpful, a la the "Lord, I'm not worthy to receive you" business) but the part about having been created for God's purposes and not our own - now THAT's a relief! You mean, all this struggle and strain and attempt to secure my own importance, my LEGacy, are in vain? You mean, it's true what Jewel sings that "in the end only kindness matters?" I don't have to be quite as calculating, visionary and manipulative as I try to be? This whole humility business is rather shaky ground for me. And yet, there's freedom in the possibilities it holds. The freedom allowed me here is the freedom to admit the following, and not be afraid:

• I am not the most eloquent writer ('though writing brings me great pleasure).
• I am not the most mindful manager ('though sharing ideas and supporting others' work is fulfilling to me).
• I don't always have compassion for people and their problems ('though when I can be there for someone in that way, I experience my purpose).
• I love to sing ('though I experience stage fright almost every time I perform).
• I am writing my own music ('though having a terrible time coming up with lyrics to verses!)
• I am not the healthiest person I know, nor do I consider it a crime against humanity that I'm not ('though I am doing my very best to nurture and support myself these days).
• I make mistakes. A lot. I say the wrong thing, I don't say what needs to be said, I lie, I withhold the truth, all in an effort to protect myself and my image. (that one's gonna hang out on its own for impact)
• I call myself a Catholic but am more ignorant of Catholic teaching and negligent of Catholic practices and traditions than I'd ever want people to know. But, there it is.
• I consider myself a disciple of Jesus, but there was a time not long ago that I denied the very existence of the historical man (I'm sorry, Lord.) I'm still very curious about it all, and not quite clear about the whole thing, but I have faith that the living Christ will show me the way, in time. (I'm still learning).
• I'm still learning. I don't know everything there is to know or even everything I (supposedly) should know, about teaching, music, ministry, being a friend, or really anything, actually.
• In fact, I'm not a very good teacher at all. I'm just a good person who loves teenagers. Usually, that's good enough.
• I think I know what's best for me regarding my future, but I don't. And that's ok.

Confessions of a Prideaholic. That's the new name for this entry.
to humble: to destroy the independence, power, or will of.
Destroy my will, God. Make me dependent, upon you and other people for love, for kindness. Make me dependent upon kindness for happiness and freedom. Destroy my power. Nothing I try to do out a love of power, even if done "for you" or "in your name" will amount to anything as great as what I do with the power of love.
What about you? Love of power, or power of love?

Worship beyond Words...

...maybe the name of my first album (don't steal it!).

Good evening. Tonight, I am inspired. I went to see my friends Kira & Jeff, and their band The Strange Familiar share their musical gift (with help from my sis, Kaylee). They were awesome. Definitely quality and passion beyond words. How Kira really embodies the music inspired me so much. I didn't quite know what to say to her after other than, - well, I don't know what I said. I couldn't have said enough. And when I got home all I wanted to do was sing, so that says a lot. You might get how I was feeling. Not only did I sing, but I wrote, and played and recorded a little, too (anyone have a mini voice recorder they don't use/want/need anymore? My voice memos are taking up tons of space on my Treo). And then I checked in to see what message "God" had for me on this day (I subscribe to this daily "message from God" app on Facebook, and so far, much like a horoscope, the messages have been dead on. Btw, I know the messages aren't really from God - or are they?:)

So tonight, before I eat my midnight Lean Cuisine and have my last night of relaxing rest before a very busy next 10 days, I share this here, with you. My thoughts from my heart. I hope soon to also be sharing my music from my heart. I have so much I want to give. Please pray with me that I hold faith for when the time will come for all that.

I sign off with my message from God:

"Kristin got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that to worship God you must go beyond words to speak with your heart. You can mouth the words of a prayer all day long and just waste your time, unless you also speak with your heart. And to speak with your heart means to embody first. If you pray for love, be loving. If you pray for wealth, be generous. If you pray for health, practice health yourself. What is your favorite prayer? How can you begin to embody it?"

Feliz Cumpleanos, Maria

Today is the Feast of the Nativity of Mary - in other words, the day that we celebrate Mother Mary's birth. Happy Birthday, Mary!
Please enjoy this beautiful song "Labor of Love" written by Andrew Peterson, performed originally by Jill Phillips, and covered here by Cassidy, whose version I found on YouTube. It's a little early to be foreshadowing the Christmas season, but it fits so perfectly in this week of celebrating labor...and Mary. Enjoy. :)
So on this Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I give a special "shout out" to all mothers out there. I am thankful for the unconditional love of my own mom. Also, to Kristina, the newest little momma I know, and her baby boy Ben, who will be baptized on Saturday ("this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased!").

Labor Day - A beginning

I've been aware for some time now that I am in the process of being "in labor."
I'm giving birth to something much bigger than *me.*
What I'm working on getting out is very much inspired by the Spirit.
It's something that aches to be out of myself and shared with the world.
It's not perfect - in fact, it's messy, and screaming and so, so needy -
but it's mine to give.
Whereas once I thought it would seem foreign to me,
what I've seen of it looks a lot like me,
only more pure and more beautiful and much more powerful and trusting than anything I've ever known myself to be.
What is this being born? and when will it come?
I'm not sure and, I'm not sure.
But I think I'm ready to say that it's not for me to know.
It's only for me to push forward - to move forward.
So, I start up this blog as a diary for my soul.
It is my soul that sings and yearns and labors in this work
of birthing something new, true, pure and real into this world.
I hope that you enjoy, and accept the gift that I'm giving.
And that you'll give it, too.