"Forza e Coraggio!"

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

"How's the music going?" Since quitting my full-time job, I've received this question numerous times. After all, I was leaving to pursue my career, to "do my thing," which, naturally, included music, among other things. When I did "Dreams and Visions" concert last May, I felt such a surge of power and energy that I crossed through a portal vowing to never look back. I am an artist, I told myself. And I need to do this kind of stuff all the time.

Now, 7 months later, what do I have to show for it? Where am I? What am I? Who am I? These are some of the existential questions that have been knocking on my door these days, ushered in, to an extent by this holy season of advent in which we anxiously await and prepare for the coming of Christ - at Christmas, yes, but more significantly and relevantly, in our lives and the life of our world. What am I birthing? What am I bringing? If I am united with Mary's mission to bring Christ to the world, what is the life growing in me to produce for the good of humankind?

I sit here listening to a recording of Sara Groves' concert at an Illinois women's prison. It was a free download off her site. A simple sharing of her labor of love with her fans. She's singing her rendition of "We Three Kings" and I'm reminded of Christmas two years ago when I made a list for what I hoped would become my Christmas album. It's two years, one concert and one quit job later, and the album is nowhere on the horizon. "When's your CD coming out, Kristin?" and "Are you recording?" My answer, I give with disappointment in myself is, "...No... I'd like to, but not yet..." When?

"How long, O Lord? How long will the wicked be allowed to gloat?" (Psalm 94:3)

I can't imagine there aren't people happy to see me "failing" to make good on my commitment to myself. People who are wondering, when? how? why not? And even if there aren't ('cause really, I'm that important?), there are those voices that speak inside of me. And I don't have an answer for those voices. Usually just a shrug and a "yeah...when?"

And then, I wake up and try again. Try to focus in. Try and narrow down. Try and center into what it is that I'm about and want to do and want to give and be. And I read on:

"Happy are those whom you discipline, Lord, and those whom you teach from your law.

You give them relief from troubled times until a pit is dug for the wicked.

The Lord will not reject his people; he will not abandon his special possession." (12-14)

I am a special possession. Even if not to myself, I am owned and wanted and made useful by a creator who loves and wills me into being, not just 31 years ago, but each and every day, and each and every moment. Nothing is in vain. Nothing goes wasted. No thought, no plan, no hope, no dream, no matter how small, and no matter how many (or few) steps taken toward it is a lost cause. I am not a lost cause. None of us are. If we are living and breathing and waking up every morning (notice that I didn't say getting out of bed, necessarily, although that's helpful), there is hope.

And so I'm doing Jillian Michaels' 30-day Shred. I just finished workout #5 today and I feel awesome. I can feel (and maybe even see) my triceps for the first time in a long time. And as I'm jump roping, jumping jacking, push upping and lunging my ass off, I am remembering the words of my Italian friend who cheered me on along the Florence Marathon route 3 years ago this past November: "Forza e Coraggio!" Strength and Courage. And a tear comes to my heart and eye.

I was runnin'.

Forget "Believe" as the word for my soon-to-come tattoo. I think I'm going with "Strength and Courage."

I am in love

...with life.

Its ups, its downs. Its surprises and disappointments. Its certainties and painful insecurities. I am expanding into the fullness of human living and loving as I open to share my truth with all the world with strength of heart and grace. I just wrote my new affirmation. :) My quality is Courageous, Open-Hearted Expansion. I love that life led me to USM to acquire the skill and desire to choose qualities and write affirmations.

...with music.

See "Your Love Is Extravagant" as performed/recorded by Casting Crowns to hear why I felt inspired to blog about this tonight. There's not much more that I need to say about this statement otherwise. :-)

...with love.

I just thought, "God, I love love." That statement is so redundant, it's funny. God is love, so any experience of love I have, whether with nature, myself, something I read, an encounter with another person, is God. It is said in Christian scriptures that "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:8). It makes sense, then, that whoever does know love, knows God. I am continuing to work on integrating love and God with one another, rather than seeing either as something separate from each other, or life, or others, or me.

In Moulin Rouge, Christian's father is exasperated with his son when he says, "Always this ridiculous obsession with love!" I've been feeling that way a little about myself lately. It seems all I can think or 
write about (on a good day). Oh, well. Sue me.

A pregnant portal

I received a concerning message on Facebook late last night from one of my students from last year. She was in my religion class and hit me up online to ask to speak with me about something very important. Easily sensing the immediacy of her need, I gave her my phone number and told her to call me first thing in the morning, before school. Naturally, I prepared myself for the worst (if she was suicidal, I wouldn't have much time) and hoped that my timing would be ok to handle her urgency.

She called this morning as school was starting. She was in the halls as her classmates were shuffling into their classrooms, talking to me in hushed tones over the sound of the morning bell and announcements. I was in my pajamas, sitting in front of a table of hot chai tea and bran flakes, counseling a young girl in the midst of a pregnancy scare. Last night things got hot and heavy with her boyfriend, and they took it one step too far. Nothing to likely produce a real need for concern (she shared with me exactly how far they took it and it sounds very unlikely - thought not impossible - that she'd get pregnant), but enough to send her mind reeling with possibilities and fear. She hadn't intended on having sex with him, but things just happened, as they will.

I found myself faced with a really interesting and incredible opportunity. Here I was, her former Catholic high school religion teacher, and I didn't use it as an opportunity to push the church's agenda or try and convince her of what the "right thing to do" would be. I simply listened, acknowledged her fears, and tried to calm her down. We talked about condoms, and the "morning-after pill" (on which she had done extensive research and knew more about it than me), and the importance of setting limits with her boyfriend and asking him to honor them. We talked about getting clear on what she wanted and didn't want, and being willing to honor that for herself. I asked her if she felt she could go to either of her parents with her concern, and she mentioned that she'd trust her dad to be there for her. I encouraged her to tell her dad and give him the chance to support her. We talked about the sacredness of sex and how, when exercised appropriately, it is a really amazing, beautiful act to share with someone you really love, and how I wouldn't want her to taint it for herself by associating it with fear and panic. I told her to spend the day really centered and listening to her heart...and to talk to her dad.

Maybe someone would say that I expected way too much introspection and maturity from a 15-year-old girl, but I felt really called to strengthen her with affirmation and support, not covering her with shame and warnings. Maybe I should've called her school counselor. But, you know, for whatever reason, she reached out to me, and that's what I felt called to share with her. I felt strong, and useful.

Honestly, I wanted to hug her, but I couldn't, so I did what I could to express my care and support in words. Tonight, I sent her this message on Facebook as a follow-up:

"After we talked this morning, I was thinking about how courageous and strong you are to be willing to deal with your actions and your feelings as you have. I really acknowledge you for demonstrating that maturity and care for yourself. You are a work in progress, and as you grow it is so important to be able to acknowledge yourself for the positive things you do, as well as hold yourself to your own standards with honor and grace. My continued prayer for you will be that you can know and love yourself more and more, and that your actions in your life can be a closer and closer reflection of who you really are. You are a beautiful, loving and caring young woman deserving of love and respect, and I hope that you embrace that wholeheartedly."
This was really an opening - a portal - pregnant with possibility (pun intended) to extend loving, understanding and compassion. I only hope I did well with the chance I had. There really are no easy answers. What I wrote to her, I take in for myself tonight, and it is my wish for every person, at any age and any stage of life. Forgiveness, acceptance, learning and moving forward. That's all we can do.

Peace.
~Kristin

A Love Prayer of Surrender

I want to share a prayer I wrote this morning in my meditation (which was great to return to). If you don't like the religious language ("God" and "lord" you can just replace it with "Love." I'm working on making them seamlessly interchangable for myself. :)

O God, make it so that what I desire
is only that which will lead me to you.
I want to worship you with all of my heart
and strength
and mind
and body
and soul.
I want to be yours forever. And if there's anything that stands in the way of that -
any thoughts, words, deeds or activities -
I surrender them all to you now, Love, lord of my life.
You are the One I seek.
You are the One I long for.
You are the only God for me - Love and Light,
sweetness and surrender, bliss and warmth
and destiny.
I am willing to wade through all of the rest
if only I can be assured of your great Love waiting for me there.
I seek you - I yearn for you with my entire being.
My whole Self declares today a day of the lord.
You have chosen me for your inheritance.
Out of the crowd you selected me to be one of your own -
to love and be loved freely and without reserve.
I long for this love and I am this love.
I am you, Love.
Your words are spirit and life in my blood.
your love is my sustenance.

Without you, I will surely die.

The Death that Love Invites

On my walk/jog yesterday, I was alive. I was in tune with everything and everyone. I said "hi" to small animals, and children, and the grown-ups who walked them. I waved my arms in time with the beats of the music that moved my feet and soul. I was in rapture - at one with all of life, and knowing it. And I was loving it.

As I turned the corner to head home, this track started on my playlist: "Breeze" by Dubtribe Sound System (lyrics below). First off, it's amazing. Second, I felt totally pumped by it. Third, it's all about love. I thought about how complicated I've made life for myself with all my judgments and prejudices and 'for-ness' and 'against-ness.' I saw all the barriers I've put up to love melt away. I thought about how frustrating it would be for me if I was God to watch the people I love not feel my love through the simplicity of a cool breeze. Then, I started thinking of all the ways that God/Creation/Love can express itself to us (this is the 'sacramental theology' teacher in me coming out...) and how we can search and search for love in (pardon the cliche) all the wrong places... but, really, it's in a cool breeze, or a cool song that refreshes, restores and reenergizes.

If God is Love (1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.") then why do we hate, judge, fear, worry, hoard, condemn, doubt, exclude and cut-off in the name of God?

If God is Love, then God is the cool breeze, the soft touch, the warm embrace, the passionate kiss, the deeply thirst-quenching ice-cold beer, the hot and delicious sweet potato bisque soup I had for dinner...

These are things I already "know" (see faith of the mind), but yesterday, I understood faith of the heart, and body and soul and spirit and ears and eyes and all of it...


Oh! My title! Why did I chose "The Death that Love Invites" as the title of this blog? Well...love invites death. If I am going to live in love, I am going to have to let a part of me die that is no longer needed. It's like shedding skin. The more of me that dies, the more fuel for the fire of Love. That's actually a very terrible and entirely mediocre explanation for probably the most important concept in all of human life, but I'm gonna leave it at that 'cause my brain is rather mush right now.




BREEZE - Dubtribe Sound System

Love is like a cool breeze
Like a cool breeze

blowing through my mind
blowing through my life

Love goes running through my mind
Love lifts me up so high
I leave the world behind


I feel alive - I'm free


No more fear
No more hate
No more anger
No more jealousy
No more pain
No more selfishness
No more greed
No more loneliness
No more bitterness
No more prejudice

I give my life to the hands of Love.

Give your love away.
You've got to give your love away.
In a world of fear don't be afraid
to give your love away.

Let love take me higher
Let love take you higher

What's in a name?

I dreamed last night that I was pregnant and expecting a baby boy. I planned to name him either Gabriel, which we'd shorten to "Gabe," or Emmanuel, shortening it to "Manny." It was the first pregnancy dream I've had in which I wasn't scared to be pregnant.

Being aware of the biblical significance of these two names, I've done a little more research into them. Gabriel is from Hebrew and means "God's able-bodied one; hero of God," as in the angel, Gabriel, who delivers the fateful message to Mary.

Emmanuel means "God is with us," which I already knew. What I didn't know was that it is passable as a girl's name, in which case it can be spelled Emmanuelle. I think that's just lovely. I'd call her "Emmi" for short.

After this dream, I can't imagine naming my children anything else. It had a sense of the prophetic. Am I crazy?

I desire

I am 9 days in to a 40-day program/process called "The Prosperity Plan" (created by John Randolph Price and shared with me by personal life & career coach, & my friend, Kimberly Barclay). Each day, I take about 20 minutes to meditate upon and then journal about one of ten affirmations (called "statements of principle") having to do with abundance, prosperity and fulfillment. My intention in participating in this process is to shift my relationship with money from one of 'having/not having' to one of trusting that I truly have everything that I need, money in the bank or not.

So far, I am gaining incredible insight and peace from this plan. Mostly, I love my morning meditation time, during which I sit on my patio (or, when it's too cold/wet at my dining room table looking out onto the patio), usually with a cup of tea, and sometimes breakfast, and just take in the early time of the day by focusing my attention on what is present for me. Tonight, I'm about to do today's meditation since I woke up in a hurry and started my day in a rush. As I wind down, I am moved to share one reflection in particular which I wrote yesterday after reflecting on principle #8. I hope that even if the religious language doesn't speak to you, you are still able to glean from it the differentiation to which I'm referring regarding what I'm learning goes on inside myself in relationship to that which is mine.

Enjoy!
~Kristin
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
10/19/10

I desire what I have.
I have what I desire.
I want nothing.
When I am at my center with God, there is nothing I want or need.

My ego lays on the floor kicking and screaming because it's not getting what it wants.

Christ* sits "on high" within me and sees all, knows all and loves all.

When I align myself with this vantage point when I rise (or climb) above my very earthly, material worldview that sees my life as a series of possessions to be owned rather than blessings to be experienced, I take on the eyes, soul, heart and mind of Christ. I take on, even, the body of Christ, as the ego-ness in me melts away, blends with, gives into and transforms into the body of Christ, which is my true nature. Who I Really Am sees all, knows all, trusts all, believes all, hopes all, endures all, has all it needs and never ends. (see 1 Corinthians 13) I am infinite.

The trouble comes when my ego hears this and misunderstands that it is entitled to this inheritance. It is not; my thoughts, my feelings and body do not possess this nature. But because the ego wants satisfaction so badly, it kicks and screams and gropes and begs and does just about everything it can to convince God to give it what it wants. In this way, I am like a kid in a toy store. My creator, mother/father God is saying "You already have everything you need," and furthermore, "You really want what you have." So God takes me home and shows me all that is already mine: toys a-plenty to entertain me for days, food to nourish me indefinitely, friends with whom to play and share, and endless hugs and kisses to remind me of how loved I am. I forget all about the store and new toys and the wanting. And I am at peace - joy, even - with what is already mine.

It isn't so much what I have that calms the storm (none of it is really "mine," anyway), but the consciousness that points out and remembers all of these things that is truly responsible for the awareness of abundance I now have. There is no need to scold, admonish, guilt or punish myself for my tantrum or my yearning. All that is needed is a loving reminder from mySelf to myself that if only I let go of what I think I want and open up my hands to receive, I will be given all that I need and more: the awareness of what already is.

*By referencing "Christ" I am speaking of the consciousness of the resurrected and transfigured being as a spiritual essence, and not to the person of Jesus as a religious figure.

Random Acts

A random cute guy steps up to get his change from Surjit at the 76 station window: 3 fives and a quarter. "Add this to the fund," he says and slides the quarter back through the tray toward the massive expanse of my change that has taken over the counter. Surjit has already counted 8 of the 10 dollars I brought in my ziplock bag, which I counted earlier this morning to be precisely $10, and of which I refused to lose $0.98 to the coin count machine at Albertson's for a service charge. (If I had, by the way, agreed to buy one of the offered gift cards with my change, the machine would've counted my money for free, but being that they are my last $10 until Friday, I was not willing to lose even that .098 on the dollar.).

Ah, Simi Valley. Where the kindness of strangers reaches out as freely as the rays of sunshine through my second-story bedroom window. I am thankful today to be living in such a friendly place, where a random act of kindness from Random Cute Guy wearing an FBI t-shirt and a smile is surpassed only by the sweetness of Surjit who, when I apologized for bringing him a bag of coins, leaned in and said to me, "That's ok - everyone's broke right now."

In the spirit of this blog's title, I have selected a 'random' line from the book of Acts (the biblical Acts of the Apostles). I've chosen chapter 8 (my pump #) and verse 10 (the dollar amount of my bill), just for fun. I think it has relevance, or maybe it is just truly random. You can decide: All of them, from the least to the greatest, paid attention to him, saying, "This man is the 'Power of God' that is called 'Great.'" (Acts of the apostles, 8:10).

Or, perhaps, we'll go with chapter 10, verse 25 (my bill after Random Cute Guy's contribution), which reads, "When Peter entered, Cornelius met him and, falling at his feet, paid him homage." Well, that doesn't really say much of anything, so let's throw in the next line: "Peter, however, raised him up, saying, 'Get up. I myself am also a human being.'"

Aren't we all? Some much more than others.

Thanks, guys.

Peace,
Kristin

Real Friendship

'Evening, everyone.

A friend mentioned that he'd wish I'd write more rather than simply post these writings from the past. I agree, so, tonight, I'll do both. (Read: this is a long one. You've been warned). :)

I came across tonight's Impromptu writing, "Faith in You," and knew that it was the perfect one to share. You might read it first (below), and then come back to the present-day with me up here. Go ahead: I'll wait... ;-)

Ok. So, my life these days has really been about friendship for me. And as I read what I wrote in '99, I know that God was my best friend back then. As cliche and cheesy as that sounds, it's true. And for that, I am grateful. In a time when I truly felt misunderstood, even by myself, I was very aware of a loving force holding me up, sustaining me and hearing my pleas for connection. God was present to me in so many ways, and continues to be today. The difference now is that these days I am recognizing the gift of God's love in the presence of my very real, flesh-and-blood friends. This realization is enough to leave me feeling extremely satisfied and legitimately hope-filled.

Since moving into my new place in Simi (renting a room in a house), I have been celebrating companionship on a daily basis. Living with people again brings so many blessings and benefits, and the ladies with whom I am sharing this house make life so much more enjoyable. I have reconnected with my friend, Lauren. Back when she was in high school and I was her youth minister, she and I shared a lot of time together, talking about life, stalking her "SBB" (she'll know what that means) and solving the world's problems over coffee. Lauren has always represented to me a sense of free-spiritedness and has reflected to me my own desire to live a life of integrity and connection to the earth. This weekend, we reconnected in a special way and realized we have much more in common than we had ever known. I feel so grateful to now be living with this vibrant young woman who mirrors to me my own enthusiasm for a life well-lived on the road less-traveled.

Helping me arrive at this new home was Ina, whom I met in my last months in my North Hollywood apartment. Ina is my mother's age, and yet our spirits connected from Day 1 as if we grew up together, and we were two peas in a pod ever since we met. Ina's steadfast and beyond-generous extention of friendship toward me helped shake me out of the self-centered coma that I had been in for some time, as I was focused on finishing my grad program and figuring out what to do next in my life. It was her simple acts of kindness toward me that inspired me to once again remember and relive the exchange of giving and receiving inherent in all quality relationships. She has helped me to not be so focused on myself, my problems and my dilemmas, but to let go every once in a while of my need (desire) to control everything and handle all of my problems on my own. I will never forget how Ina enhanced my summer months by sharing them with me, and I hope to continue to be a friend to her, even though now we are separated by many miles and several cities.

The list goes on. Yesterday, I found myself at an introductory workshop for a church in which my friend, Bryce, is deeply involved. MSIA (msia.org) is in the historic West Adams district in L.A. and is a very beautiful spiritual center housing a very unique community. I know that God has led me there for some purpose, and I am thankful to Bryce for the living witness of loving that she has been for me. Ever since we connected, I have had the deepest sense that we're soul sisters from an earlier time, as if we went to elementary school together in a parallel universe. I look forward to sharing much more with her on our paths.

Speaking of elementary school, I have been enjoying a total blast from the past by reconnecting with Vann, whom I met in 1984 and with whom I traveled through almost each and every year of grade school. Having been out of touch for - oh, 20 years - we recently started talking again and have both been taking delight in the commonalities and memories that we share after all these years. I am very grateful to have rediscovered this friendship. While I am experiencing him as "back in my life," I am also realizing that, in a sense, he never left.

Have you ever had to - or wanted to - redefine a relationship, one way or another? That was a stupid question; of course you have. If we're really living in relationship with other people, those relationships go through periods and phases of change, morphing over time. They have to, in order to survive through the ups and downs and ins and outs of life. A relationship that never changes is likely dead, I think. Often these changes take place through acts of faith (like believing in someone despite a lack of evidence that you should) , and other times through risk-taking (like putting a thought or feeling out there that may be rejected and threaten the existence of the entire thing). Relationships are dynamic. Because they involve living, breathing, thinking, feeling people, they are subject to change. At times, these changes are sudden - abrupt - ocurring with little to no warning. Other times they are gradual, and you wake up one day to realize that the person who was once close to your heart is (for whatever reason) not there anymore. Or perhaps the opposite is true: a relationship deepens and a person becomes as familiar to you as your own heartbeat seemingly out of nowhere. Whatever direction the change, whatever the speed, and for whatever purpose, we might be confused or caught off-guard when a person's meaning in our lives changes. We may also confuse other people with this change. The truth is, nothing in life is guaranteed. We can think we know ourselves and another, but one day realize that we were mistaken. We were wrong, because we were disillusioned. We saw what we wanted to see. Or we were holding onto a reflection of an event that occurred light years ago, only now we're receiving the glow of the connection. Unless we are very here-and-now in our relationships with each other, we may be living a dream of the future, or a memory from the past, and not at all being ourselves, but, rather, playing out some sort of story of what could've or should've been. I bring all this up and go into this because I have experienced this dynamic lately, especially in one relationship in particular. My recent decision to end this relationship has confused some people, including, of course, the other person. Reflecting on this shift, and talking with some trusted friends about it, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything "wrong" by being very present to my feelings, both when they were "for" and when they were "against" the continuing of the relationship. I have simply been as present to "what is" as possible. This may make me look fickle, or untrustworthy. That's a risk I'm willing to take. As I said back in '99, "If you feel it in your heart, it can't be wrong." The challenge, of course, is distinguishing your heart from your head, or from whatever other part of your body may be calling the shots that day. This takes intense discernment, which is a skill and an ability that improves with practice, self-knowledge and trust.

That last paragraph contained far too many ideas and was ridiculously long and drawn out. But typing it here has saved me from having to spew it out to any number of my friends in up, coming conversations, so at least they can be grateful that I've chosen this forum to release that mumbo-jumbo...this time. ;-)

Love, blessings, light, hope, peace, grace, joy and glory to each and every one of us. May this week bring us all a deepened awareness and greater acceptance of all the ways in which we are loved by our friends who have been sent into our lives as angels to lead us along this leg of our journeys and give us faith.

~Kristin

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Faith in You"

It’s important to believe in yourself. For when no one else has faith in your abilities or in your convictions, or when you feel that no one else could possibly understand how you feel or what you think, if you have faith in yourself and in all that you are and in all that you love, you will succeed. And know that God has faith in each and every one of His creations. God has faith in you, and you need not hide from the world. Out of darkness comes light. With each challenge to your faith in you comes opportunity for growth and self-knowledge. And out of every struggle comes revival and renewed hope, so that you pass through darkness into light and so that your light shines for the world to see. So stand up, speak up. If you feel it in your heart, it can’t be wrong. God speaks to the deepest parts of our souls. He speaks to our creativity, to our innovention. Never doubt that what you feel is what God wants you to feel. Feelings are the best guides toward action.

- Kristin Firestone, 10/27/99

Walking

Hello, all,

I took my first walk/jog in Simi today. It was almost surreal to me. Everything here is so beautiful - almost too beautiful. It reminded me of my walks around LMU, back in the day. And so I post another installment of writings from the past. I hope you enjoy!
~Kristin

-------------------------------------------------
"Carmen"

I walk this route every day for exercise, for sport, just because, in a sense. There’s a hill at the end of the route that I walk, alone every day. It usually requires a lot of self-motivation and always leaves me short of breath. I walk this route every day alone. I work hard, I think hard, trying to improve my well-being. Well today I met a girl named Carmen walking up that hill only about 15 feet to the left of where I was. She wore a backpack and I watched her peppy gait and tried to keep up. “Think objectively now,” I told myself. “There’s a girl walking alongside of you with no one else around. If this were anywhere else you’d say hello.” She closed in the gap and walked closer to me, now almost at my side. How strange not to say a word when we’re about to climb this hill together. “Where do you walk from?” Simple enough. We talk and walk about school and exercise. When she leaves me (“Which way are you going?” “Well, I’m going this way.” “Hope to see you around, Carmen.” It was nice meeting you. Nice to meet you, too.) I barely remember climbing that hill, the hill I climb alone every day. The hill of thought, of feelings stirring up inside, sometimes released. Tears often shed in the guise of sweat. The hill I climb alone, where no one sees me but the security guy at the gate. Carmen climbed with me today. I don’t feel like I got a workout. Usually I hate that. I need to feel worked, to feel tired, to sweat tears. Thing is, my muscles still danced after I came back from my walk. Sweat still poured. I still got my dose of exercise. What a different route it was with Carmen there. Same one I take every day, but this time I wasn’t alone. Tomorrow I’ll walk the route again, and, inevitably, that hill. My friends think I’m looney for doing this every day. “You’ll be in shape by the end of the year” Carmen says. Only if I can share my walk with people like you, Carmen.

I don’t like to take people with me who are amateur walkers. But Carmen’s been walking and she knows how to walk and if we happen to walk a similar route, all the better for me.

...

"Carmen 2"

The next time you wake up in your first-class dorm room, yawning away a mid-week hangover, and you decide to skip that 8:00 class, I hope she walks by your window carrying her backpack. Because, you see, she takes the bus here from Beverly Hills every day (well, Hollywood this morning) and she’ll be sitting in your 8 o’clock class, maybe even in your seat. And when the time comes for that midterm and you grace the class with your presence 2 days before the exam, don’t go asking her for her notes. Because, you see, she comes all the way from Beverly Hills and this is her only class today.

- Kristin Firestone, 10/1/98

Roommates

Hello, all.

I hope you're finding ways to effectively handle the heat.

I'm moving this week and will be living with people again. I thought it would be nice to share this reflection on the gift of roommates.

So, this is dedicated to anyone who's ever been my roommate, and to those yet to come.

~Kristin

---------------------------------------------------------------
"Roommates"

Roommates are very special people. They’re the recipients of your initial thoughts, sometimes bitter, and very often unpolished and confused. They have to live through your mood swings and rash opinions. Only your roommates know how to truly deal with you. Often taken for granted and seldom praised, roommates are some of the only people who know the real you, good and bad.

~ Kristin Firestone, November 15, 1998

The Looking Glass

All around the country, teenagers are settling into new lives in college. Among them are some of my favorite people. Nonetheless, I find myself "hiding" them on Facebook. There's something about what they post that I don't want to know. This is their time to do and say and become what they are becoming. I don't need to be privy to the ins-and-outs of it all. Most of it doesn't apply to me and some of it, frankly, just annoys me.

Perhaps it's what they remind me of that bother me the most - like the mirror is too close, too familiar. It is 13 years since I began my own college experience. That's the life-span of some of the people who refer to me as "Ms. Firestone" today. (Where did the time go?). And yet, the memories and feelings are as fresh as they were still happening.

I opened a treasure chest today. A time capsule of my younger self. A file on a disk burned from my old computer that I used in college to write my papers and some of my inner-most thoughts. I had been wanting to read these words for a long time, suspecting they contained something for me of a memory and way of being that somehow I feel ready to return to. What I discovered was a collection much more expansive and revealing than I had expected, and became Kristin 13-years-younger again, sitting alone in my darkened apartment on a Friday afternoon. Has that little changed? And while the shame of the familiarity of some of those thoughts and feelings discouraged me, telling me I hadn't really grown all that much at all, I felt reassured that while I haven't lost my old spirit, I certainly have gained a lot of peace and wisdom since those days. Knowing this, I have decided to share these writings for the first time.

Had there been blogs and Facebook when I was in college, I'd've probably shared these writings freely. But, since that wasn't the case back then, I kept them to myself, mostly, only sharing bits and pieces with people I trusted. Maybe I would've been too shy, or nervous, to put them out there. Whatever the case, I am now gifted with the distance and perspective to know that they are just thoughts and feelings. They are still precious to me, but they've lost some of their urgency. And so, I can share them freely.

So, I'm going to do a blog series, sharing one of these compositions in each post. I am doing this for 18-19-20-year-old Me, who in the darkness of her dorm rooms, sometimes in joy and often in desperation, would sit down at her desk and share these words with an unknown audience. I do this for her liberation.

I will call this series "The Looking Glass" since this was the name of the newsletter I edited as a freshman in college for the Sociology department, and also because it captures the sense of wonder I am having as I look in the mirror at this young girl who is so very much still me today. "Impromptu" is the name I gave the folder in which I saved these files.

Before I share, a little disclaimer: I don't always know what college-Kristin meant by a lot of this. I like that her style was very poetic and rather elusive, at times. I was tempted to post these with a modern-day reflection by me, interpreting what she said. But I've decided that out of respect for her voice, I'll allow these pieces to stand on their own, as she would've posted them back then, with all their young rawness, vulnerability, confusion, enlightenment and honesty.

I hope you enjoy.
~Kristin


"Monica" (12/20/99)

You can't change people.
You can help them learn to change.
Only God is the final universal power
and is the power that actually transforms us.
We can be examples of change to one another.
God changes us through each other.
God changes me through you.

(Monica was my suite-mate freshman year.)

Sacred Sharing

My mandala :)

Good morning,

I was awoken at 5:37 this morning (very rare for me) and found myself moved gracefully through the next 2 hours as I meditated in candlelight, contemplated the rising smoke from a stick of incense to the sound of peaceful ethereal music, did my version of yoga stretches and then sat down with my sketch pad and a packet of markers to draw a representation of my experience. It appears as though my intention to spend more time with God has taken root after all. I am in gratitude to my friend, Harold, who shared his intention last week to "date God," which I adopted on the spot on some level: “...to set aside ample and generous time to commune with God…to take the time to open myself up to divine energy…to intentionally surrender to Spirit’s presence in me…”

After my meditation, I laid back down under my covers and closed my eyes, relaxing in the Spirit. Rather than fall back asleep, I rested in a meditative state and allowed myself the freedom of my mind wandering and my heart speaking to me about what it is that I want most of all. I was visited by beautifully sweet and deeply heart-centered visions of myself involved in a number of activities, including facilitating a small group through a series of sacred sharing meetings on a book that I just finished reading. I saw myself welcoming into my home people coming to see me for spiritual guidance. I visited memories of beautiful moments I've shared in communion with communities of people in sacred settings, talking, praying, singing. There was such a sweetness to everything passing through my imagination. More than passing through, I felt that they were blossoming - slowly, deliberately, sweetly and beautifully. This is the life that I have lived, am living and want to live.

And now, I am awake, drinking hot tea and responding to emails while in my robe wearing a facial mask. I am at home and at peace, in action and also not 'doing' much of anything. This is how I want to work.

I'll close by sharing with you a reflection from someone who is one of my spiritual forefathers, blessed William Joseph Chaminade, founder of the Marianist tradition of which I am a part through my association with Chaminade High School and the Marianist LIFE program:

" . . I am like a brook that makes no effort to overcome obstacles in its way. All the obstacles can do is hold me up for a while, as a brook is held up; but during that time it grows broader and deeper and after a while it overflows the obstruction and flows along again. That is how I am going to work."

Blessings of light and love to you all,
~Kristin

Graduation Day

I graduated today from the University of Santa Monica with a master of arts degree in Spiritual Psychology. This degree has been described as one in human relationships, but I just like to consider it a degree in loving. :) I have learned over the past 2 years what it truly means to love God, myself and others, all at the same time. I am so grateful to myself, to the Holy Spirit, to my classmates and all who work for and with USM for this incredible, life-changing, layer-peeling experience. It has truly been a transformation.

One of the many gifts I have received from this education is a return to the poet's heart that lives inside of me. When I was very young, I wrote poetry and songs so easily. It seems that about 20 years ago, I tucked that part of me away. But, it was never really gone, and I'm happy to share that I've been writing again. This poem flowed from me early this morning, as I was preparing to begin this very special graduation day. I hope you enjoy it.

“Graduation Day”
Lovingly dedicated to the USM Class of 2010

I’m scared of what may happen – I’m scared of what may be
if I let go, surrender, and let it be. Just let it be.
The fear creeps up inside of me like spiders crawling slow
and when I feel this way I fear there’s nowhere else to go.
Should I just lie here, motionless and wait for it to pass?
Or should I get up, run around and use it as my gas?
Into the stillness here I go to recognize and claim
my power in this time and place to reveal all my shame
unto myself – for it is I whose tight grip holds me fast
and fears the feelings of regret will somehow always last.
But get up – still – I do and then the fear just melts away
as pen and paper meet and sooth my worries for this day.
And I forgive myself for judging fear as something more
than opportunity for healing knocking at my door.
I hold and rock and comfort her and tell her it’s ok
to feel the feelings deep inside and not wish them away.
For feelings can just indicate the presence of control –
of trying desperately to know the way it all will go.
How I am present to myself in these dark times of fear
can be the key to liberating all I hold so dear,
It’s giving up unto the One who knows that it is so,
and never, ever worries that my life will not just grow
into a masterpiece made up of choices I must make
to release, let go and trust that I have everything it takes.
And so with care and steps unsure I move forward today
and give my whole self over to the journey – come what may.

- Kristin Firestone, August 29, 2010

A poem: Love Pursued

Love pursued me from behind; I ran the other way
I couldn’t stop for fear it’d take me rather far away
Love pursued – it did not stop – until I ran too far,
Then stooped and picked my sad heart up and took me to the car
We drove and drove through many miles of pain and strife and woe
Until I realized that this was not the way to go
So round-a-bout we made a turn back to the place we’d started
And rolled our sleeves up nice and high and (even heavy-hearted)
We dug and dug and dug ‘til we could scrape the ground no more
And wound up falling, naked, gasping right there on the floor
And just when I thought time had passed and I was all alone,
Love came and found me, picked me up and placed me on the phone
With one whose journey – there and gone – had found my resting place
And now love has me standing facing love in sweet embrace
Where will we go? I’m asking love, for I must know the way
‘It’s already inside you, love,’ my new love hears me say
And so it is through life and dream and story never told
That I begin – here – from the start with love impassioned, bold
No matter where our journey leads,
‘Round hills and dales and bends
We know the journey home to love is one which does not end
For right when we’ve held up our hands in desperateness and pleas
Love looks at us, has mercy, rises up from on our knees
And so, my friend, whenever you feel lost and so afraid
Remember all that you have learned – the promises Love’s made
And go wherever tide and season, bliss and yearning lead
Into the arms of one who’ll never leave your soul in need
For deep within the heart of every woman, child and man
Are seeds of Love to grow you home right back where you began
It is a circle ever spun, this life we live of ours
And love is in the center of it giving us its powers
With strength and power deep and sure it rescues empty hearts
With love and deep compassion calling always for all parts
of us to come together, mend and bind and come as one
Into the arms of love where one is never ever done
Completion, wholeness are our gifts to cherish in this life
But love - sweet love - is something that will never, never die


- Kristin Firestone, August 2010

Religious Life

I have reason to believe that I was a vowed religious person in a past life.

When I was young, my mom referred to me as "Sister Kristin." I identified strongly with Frauline Maria in Sound of Music. I felt the strength of her committment to her faith, and also her deep and overwhelming love she had for the Von Trapp children and, especially, the Captain. My best friend and I used to dance around the backyard singing the Our Father on a Sunday afternoon, and would use our leftover pizza crusts to take turns giving and receiving communion while declaring to one another that it was "the body of Christ."

In high school I became very involved in church community. I sought comfort in the company of my choir directors, priest and youth minister. I felt sheltered and challenged at the same time by the call to faith in action that I was receiving and giving as a peer leader. My Church was one that cared for its people in a covenantal relationship. This is what I was learning. Dedicating oneself to God has enormous rewards, here on earth and beyond. Denying the desires of the flesh was the goal - worldy, selfish things like wanting more sleep, or wondering what it was like to be drunk, or craving the attention of cute but off-limits boys.

Just this past weekend I had an out-of-town meeting of my administrative team for a summer youth program of which I am director. I stayed in a community of Marianist brothers that live on a college campus, and was invited one night to attend a vocations night intended to provide students the opportunity to come hear the stories of the faith lives and calls of women and men religious and to ask questions. The three who gave testimony shared beautiful stories of growing up in the Church and receiving "the call" from God to live a life devoted to God in a special way as a sister or brother/priest. I related to much of what these three had to share, and found myself returning, again, to that question. What if? What if God is calling me to be a vowed religious, and I'm ignoring the call? Will I ever be happy?

I have done my share of asking this question, going all the way back to high school and reaching a height in college, where I found myself called, once again, to participate in church ministry related things. I went on to work the past 10 years in youth ministry, even teaching the Catholic faith (or some version of it) as a high school religion teacher. I have been in more religious community houses, retreat centers and sacristies, and to more religious conferences, spiritual events and more than most people my age (though not more than most of the friends I've made over the years). My life, at least since jr. high school, has been a living testament to what one can experience when deeply rooted in the mystery of the Eucharist and the faith life of the Church. Why, then, would I not be convinced to follow the path of holiness and live a life of poverty, chastity and obedience in a community of people doing the same?

I have a lot of friends in the same boat. Many of them have become, or are on their way to being married. Over the weekend, during my visit, I witnessed one such friend of my receiving a hard time from some of the Brothers who remember that not to long ago they were nurturing in him a potential call to a religious vocation. "Way to turn your back on God and the Church and go get married." They were kidding, of course. But the nature of the ribbing really got me thinking about some very deep-seated thinking among faithful people throughout my experience, and it goes something like this: One cannot live a life devoted to God and to the church by getting married; one must become a priest/brother/sister to live the holiest life possible. Now, I know that this is not true, but hearing the joking indicates that it was, at one point, and quite possibly still is on some level, an accepted truth of holiness. And it's a dangerous one.

It's the same idea that propels us to speak only of vowed religious life when referring to vocations. It's the notion that being holy necessarily means giving up all desires of the flesh (which separate us from God, of course) and this necessarily rules out marriage because it involves sex (which is less-than holy, of course).

My problem, I suppose, is that I want it all. I want all of it. I want a life dedicated to God, I want to contribute to and receive from the church (which I expand to include more than just those of the Catholic religion, but that's another post), and I want to share my love with a man through building a home a family and a life together. I want to wake up in the morning, turn on the kettle and sit in quiet for 15 minutes connecting to and communicating with God, and then head back to bed with my cup of tea to make love to my husband before the kids get up and we busy ourselves with preparations for our school and work days. I want to pack lunches, drop off at school and then head to my job where I work with people who are passionate about making a positive difference in the world through ministry in some shape or form. I want to belong to and participate in a community of friends who share belief in what a life well-lived looks like - no regrets, no reservations and no restrictions. I want to believe that it's possible to live all-the-way in this world (this married, child-bearing, PTA meeting-attending world) and still maintain a sense of the sacred.

In the past life in which I speak, I have reason to also believe that I may have been punished for wanting all of these things. Maybe I punished myself. Maybe I was banished. I don't know. But whatever happened, I felt trapped - bound by my own committment. I carried that karma into this life. And I think that I've returned to release that. I have done some work with the judgments that I have about holiness and what it looks like to be holy. The Church's teaching has evolved so much farther to where we are teaching that there is sacredness in every day life (and we're actually believing it). Yet, I still carry around this very deep fear that I might not recognize myself, or my God, in any lifestyle other than single or "dedicated" to God in a special way.

Is it too crazy for us to think of marriage as a dedication to God? If God is love, and marriage is about a covenant of love, then marriage is very much about God. And Jesus told us that we cannot love God and hate our brother, and, futhermore, that the greatest commandment is the three-fold love of God, neighbor and selves.

"On this day of your life, Kristin, we believe God wants you to know ... that life is not a distraction from, life is an occasion for prayer.
You don't need a special place or special time to pray. You don't need to be in a special mood to pray. Praying is like breathing, - continuous, essential, life-giving, - praying is the conversation with God you start with birth and continue into old age. Praying is your celebration of God, - everything you do, everything you think, everything you say is another word, another sentence of your prayer."

Case of the Ex-

So, I'm 31 years old. Old enough to have friends who are married with children. Old enough to be married with children of my own ('though not quite). But tonight I had an experience that brought to my awareness my true age. It had to do with finding an 'ex' online.

I had wondered about this guy, Brian, for a while. He and I met and dated for a few months a few years back. We hit it off, and had a pretty good connection. Then, he went away on a business trip, and never called me again. Not too big of a loss - I felt that 'though we had amazing chemistry, there was just a certain something missing - but it still stung, and I've carried it around as a kind of rejection ever since.

Tonight I had the crazy idea of just looking him up on Facebook, and I found him. And not only him, but his wife and adorable baby boy as well. Turns out that just after he and I dated, he met, fell in love with and married the love of his life. I went to their website, this very well-designed celebration of their love. I rejoice with him, and I'm happy for him. His wife is not nearly as cute as me, but I guess that just goes to show what true love will do to a person. ;-)

So, to all the ones I've loved and lost (or let go), I wish you happiness, success and a long life of fulfillment. Cheers!

A poem: The Moment

Right now is a dream come true.
and where am I?
Am I here with you?
Or am I dreaming (still!) of
what has
might have been
or will,
too caught up in the should or would
to be loving of the 'is?'
The brilliance of the fire;
the oneness that we feel;
all wrapped up in belonging to something that is real.
If I could hold this moment –
but there I go again,
not living in the present,
too wrapped up in the 'when?'
Like
When will I be famous?
and When will I be strong?
and When will all my dreaming
be sung out in a song?
To be here in this moment
is to surrender and let go
of everything I've seen and heard -
the things I think I know.
And even now this moment is
graced by what is here
as words and dreams and feelings are
spelled out, freed from fear.
Then gratitude from insight
and presence to the love
can keep this moment living
and bless-ed from above.

- Kristin Firestone, December 2006

Give Me My Man!

(Today's blog is especially for the ladies.:)

Beautiful irony.
My mom brought me the contents of my Easter "basket" today (in a giant ziploc bag - I love my mom!). In it, she included a s*%tload of candy (thanks, mom...) and a book that she had on her shelf and thought I'd enjoy reading. Funny thing is, I gave her that book as a gift a few years ago. Proof that thoughtful deeds do truly come back to you, and sometimes quite literally!

So, I'm waiting for a phone call tonight to go out with some friends. And I'm doing my usual thinking as I get ready. My 'getting ready' inner monologue usually includes something about wanting a man, bla bla bla. So, I sit down and just open up this little book called "Words of Courage and Confidence" by Sue Patton Thoele, and this is the page I turn to. Read on and enjoy.

"Questing for the Holy Male"

Cinderella ran away from the prince fearing that he would reject her if he knew who she really was, yet he searched for her and eventually took her away from a life of ashes and abuse to a happily-ever-after land. If we see the Cinderella myth as a metaphor for our inner process, we, too, often hightail it away from accepting our own masculine energy of dynamic creativity, leadership, and logical thinking, and then quest for an external male to carry these qualities for us.

This doesn't work. No one, not even the most wonderful man, can take the place of our own internal holy male. It is our scary, yet sacred, task to integrate both our feminine and maculine aspects into a balanced whole. If we are not aware of, or are frightened of, incorporating our masculine energy into our daily lives and instead look to a man for those qualities, we may have expectations that are unrealistically high or accept too little for fear of not being complete without him. In reality, the more we assimilate our male energy, the wiser we become in our selection of men as friends and mates.

Sit quietly and invite into your mind's eye a picture or symbol of your masculine self. If he is frightening, ask him why he feels the need to be threatening. If he is not a figure you can respect, ask him why he needs to appear weak. Allow yourself to get to know this part of yourself. What are his talents and fears, his dreams and aspirations? What qualities can he bring to your life? Befriend this important aspect of your being by asking him how he wants to be included in your daily life.

Incorporating our inner holy male and synthesizing our masculine and feminine selves brings us into a balance of doing and being - dynamic and magnetic energy - thereby creating a well-rounded whole.

I acknowledge and accept my masculine energy.
I explore any fears I have regarding my masculine aspects.
I am a well-rounded, multifaceted individual.

- Sue Patton Thoele in "Words of Courage and Confidence"