Because I love me

My Valentine's Day gifts to myself: fresh juice (above) & Target shopping (from left to right, a yoga mat, dental floss, night cream, a tumbler for my water, laundry detergent and a scale). Happy day to me!

It is finished.

I'm done
second-guessing myself
denying my truth
pretending like I don't know
wanting what I don't need
having what I don't want
looking for what I already have
putting off one more thing
thinking I have one more day
yearning and craving and discontenting
wasting time
giving myself away
withholding love from myself
being envious of other people's lives
watching from the sidelines
thinking I can't do it
telling myself that I'm not good enough
denying myself the right to live
hiding how I really feel
biting my tongue
believing any of the false things people say
believing in anything that I know isn't true
doubting myself
living as if I don't care
pretending it doesn't matter
looking for an exit
sitting on the edge
staying up too late
thinking it's cute
wasting precious energy
telling myself I don't deserve it
telling myself I'm not ready
pushing back
holding in
holding on
letting go
giving in
being sad
being angry
being anything
other than
me.

(C) 2012 Kristin Firestone

New Levels of Crazy in the New Year

Meet Priscilla:

Today I drove home from Chatsworth with a sock puppet on my hand.

Cute, huh? I made her today with my niece, Hannah. She made Maryax (what a name!) and I made Priscilla. Kinda took on a life of her own.

But did you catch the part where I said that I drove home with her on my hand?

Yeah.

So, I think that I've reached an all-new level of crazy tonight... AND, I am learning that I really, really enjoy entertaining people. Because all along the route, as Priscilla and I danced and sang along to the radio, I was hoping that people were looking. And maybe they were, but I wanted to act all non-chalant, as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary was happening. When I thought that was ridiculous and that I should be embarrassed, I realized how much I'd appreciate if I saw someone else doing the same thing on the freeway, and how I'd probably tell people about it, or at least get a good laugh out of it.

So, this is the year of doing things because I want to do them; doing what makes me FEEL GOOD, and what I enJOY, and what brings a smile to my face and emanates from my HEART.

So, world (that's 3 "SOs" in a row, btw), you can look out for the following to occur in 2012 because of my newfound preference for freedom:

~SINGING ALOUD IN THE GROCERY STORE.  (Ok. I already do that.)
~DANCING DOWN THE STREET.
~SINGING WITH MY SOCK PUPPET IN THE CAR. (Check!)
~SKIPPING.
~TALKING TO STRANGERS EVERYWHERE. (A stranger is just a friend you haven't met.)
~TELLING JOKES THAT AREN'T FUNNY.
~KARAOKE. Lots of it.
~DISNEYLAND. (Who's in??)
~VOICES.
~A RESURGENCE OF MUSICALS IN MY LIFE.
~LYRICAL DANCE.
~And much, much more.

Just want to warn you all who plan to hang out with me this year that any of this may be happening. If you'd like to participate, be in touch. If you'd prefer not to be involved, be my audience. God knows I love a good audience.

Peace & Joy in 2012,
~K

The untouchable

Upon recommendation of my friend Danielle Rose (whose advice I take to heart), I went to Mass today (and intend to do so every day of Advent. I know - this is unusual for me, but I need my time with Jesus really bad right now).

As I walked to St. Vincent Church, just on the corner of Adams & Figueroa for noon Mass, the thought kept turning over in my mind, "Wait for a miracle." I have been reading, hearing and praying about miracles lately - about God doing something extraordinary with an ordinary moment...or person. Which, though I have lots of gifts and talents (thank God), I am. Just an ordinary person with big hopes and dreams.

So, I walked into the church and followed my intuition to enter the far right door in the back. And as I walked up the aisle to take a seat near the front, a man and I approached one another from opposite directions. He was visibly dirty and smelled bad - a "homeless man." As we got close we both waved. And then as we got closer, he held out his hand to shake mine. And there we stood, hand in hand, for a little while. He looked down and our hands and I looked at him, quietly. He rubbed his thumb back and forth over my thumb. And then I said, softly, "Peace be with you." He pulled me close for a hug and we stood in an embrace for a little longer than a few seconds. I thought that I could maybe say nothing more, and just let the moment be, still and quiet and stinky. :) But I said, "God loves you," after which he pulled away slowly and walked on down the aisle. As I headed toward my seat in the 2nd row, a man in the pew who'd been watching smiled up at me.

I sat in my seat reflecting on this experience that had just passed. Clearly, I thought, this was a small miracle. That I had shown up to church this morning for my "date with Jesus" (Danielle helped me identify that) and then met a man who clearly needed me in the moment. I was there for him - a flesh and bone gift - a human being willing to embrace and be embraced. It was like destiny. And I laughed to myself as the irony of the situation dawned on me, and I recognized God's humor in the situation. I have been praying so hard for God to send me a man... THE man. And I've been longing and lusting so hard after that man (or any man, let's be honest) that God decided to send me a sign that, indeed, my prayers are being heard. I did, in fact, meet a man in church (go figure), but not for the purpose that I had in mind. See, God can turn the desires in my heart into his desires for my heart. And God knew that I needed to encounter someone like this man today to show me that to really love, and to really be an instrument of peace, I need to be willing to go where God needs me and share my love with whoever God puts into my path.

I didn't look around the church for a potential husband today (I do that a lot:). Today, I sat in my own homeless stink connecting with the untouchable Christ. And I thought about the need of that man who reached out to me today, and how it may have been years since he had his arms around a woman. And I quieted my complaining and impatient heart that constantly asks God, "When?" When is it my turn? And I hear God tell me that I what I have today is sufficient enough. The love that I need will be given to me in God's time and God's way.

What do you want of me, Lord? Where do you want me to serve you? Where can I sing your praises? I am your song. - lyrics from Servant Song by Donna Marie Margill, OSM

A Day of Gratitude

Hello, friends,

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, and the end of the year coming, I am anxious to learn how to live in gratitude more and more for what is in my life at this time. I felt called to develop this Day of Gratitude just this morning, and worked to get it up before the end of the day. I'm so happy to share it with you and hope that you find the exercises that I've found and/or written to be helpful to you this holiday season.

I plan to spend my whole day tomorrow working through these various experiences as a way of beginning my celebration of Thanksgiving, and I intend to continue through Christmas and into the new year. My approach is to do it all in one shot, having a kind of "retreat" in my own life all day tomorrow. I know not everyone can afford to do that. That's ok; the exercises work as stand-alone activities as well, so pick and choose what looks good and go for it any day, any time.

Whatever way you use to Experience and Express more gratitude in your life is worth it! I hope you'll share with me and others by commenting here about what is helpful for you, and how you found using any of these activities.

Enjoy and be In Joy!

~Kristin

A Day of Gratitude
(C) 2011 Kristin Firestone
Developed by Kristin Firestone
for Thanksgiving 2011
(www.kristinfirestone.blogspot.com)

Suggested Schedule

8:00 am - Morning Meditation: Anchoring in Grace

8:30 am - Waking Up to Thankfulness and Getting Ready

9:30 am - Establishing an Attitude of Gratitude

10:00 am- Your “Usual Business” (You may have work to complete or errands to run. Or maybe you’ll spend some time catching up on the news, or exercising. Remember to maintain your awareness of what you are doing while you are doing it and, of course, to experience and express gratitude as it comes up throughout this time.)

11:00 am - Reflecting on People As Gifts

12:00 noon - Eating a Meal

                          

1:00 pm - Counting Your Blessings (Watch Them Grow!)

2:00 pm - Praise and Worship

2:30 pm - Resting, Playing, Time with a Friend, Time in Nature, etc.

4:00 pm - Sharing Gratitude: Writing a Gratitude Letter        

5:00 pm - Resting, Eating a Meal, Going Out, etc.

Before bed - Thinking Thankfully

AirBorn

It's harder than it looks.
I'll wake up with a body so sore, I won't know what hit me.

I did this today: aerial tissu/silk. It was an experience I purchased off LivingSocial about a year ago.
Back when I thought I might actually want to run away and join the circus.
I had been threatening to do that off and on over the years, and having just resigned from my job,
I thought I might finally give myself the option.
So today, I cashed in on that voucher - a year later - and got up on the tissu.

Looks a lot easier than it is.
At one point, I admitted the obvious: "I'm not your typical candidate for this kind of work."
It was difficult for me to hoist my robust 170-pound body up using only my arms and one foot wrapped up in fabric.
And, I admit: after the first try, I thought I might have to just stand there and watch the other student's graceful and strength-filled moves for the next hour and a half of the class.
I thought of learning how to knit last month, and how badly I wanted to quit before I'd even begun,
and now "I'm knitting."
So, why not this? Why should I let this defeat me?

So what if I could never do a somersault, or touch my toes without bending my knees, or do a chin-up, or any of those other traumatizing events from junior high P.E.?  This was to be different.

This was an experience. And I picked it for myself. And I was going to stick with it 'til the end of class to see what I was made of.

I did 4 poses today: cocoon, sailboat, candy cane, and something with a name I don't remember. The hardest part was learning to climb, and then wrapping my foot. But with a little help from the instructor, and encouragement from the other (and very proficient) student, I succeeded.

Did I feel stupid? Yes. Did I want to cry? At times. But did I quit? No.

And so, today, I consider myself "air born."

I don't know if I'll get up on that tissu again. Tomorrow, when I can't lift my body out of bed, I'll probably tell you that I'll never get UP again, period.  Tonight, though, I check an item off my bucket list.

Someone asked me if I could spin around and sing up there like Pink. Um, not quite. I could hardly speak, let alone breathe. But I'm willing to work at it.

Check out http://theaerialclassroom.com.

I 'Heart' Veggies

I have begun a love affair with vegetables (& fruits, but I already loved those, so it goes without saying). For the past 11 days, I have eaten &/or drunk the juice of solely vegetables and fruits. That's it. No bread, no nuts, no beans, no dessert, no meat -- just the stuff that grows out of the ground. Why, might you ask, have I subjected my body to such treatment, my taste buds to such deprivation? All in the name of health. I saw a documentary (go figure) made by this guy, Joe Cross, who fasted for 60 days, ingesting nothing but the fresh juice of plants. The health benefits he experienced were so pronounced, that I was inspired, both to do it myself (on a much smaller scale; I'm going 15 days), and to learn more about the effects that the various foods we eat have on our bodies. To learn more, go to www.fatsickandnearlydead.com, or go straight to the site about doing a fast yourself at www.jointhereboot.com. And perhaps you, too, will begin a new love affair. With food, and with yourself. Peace. :)

Case of the Ex-

So, I'm 31 years old. Old enough to have friends who are married with children. Old enough to be married with children of my own ('though not quite). But tonight I had an experience that brought to my awareness my true age. It had to do with finding an 'ex' online.

I had wondered about this guy, Brian, for a while. He and I met and dated for a few months a few years back. We hit it off, and had a pretty good connection. Then, he went away on a business trip, and never called me again. Not too big of a loss - I felt that 'though we had amazing chemistry, there was just a certain something missing - but it still stung, and I've carried it around as a kind of rejection ever since.

Tonight I had the crazy idea of just looking him up on Facebook, and I found him. And not only him, but his wife and adorable baby boy as well. Turns out that just after he and I dated, he met, fell in love with and married the love of his life. I went to their website, this very well-designed celebration of their love. I rejoice with him, and I'm happy for him. His wife is not nearly as cute as me, but I guess that just goes to show what true love will do to a person. ;-)

So, to all the ones I've loved and lost (or let go), I wish you happiness, success and a long life of fulfillment. Cheers!