What's in a name?

I dreamed last night that I was pregnant and expecting a baby boy. I planned to name him either Gabriel, which we'd shorten to "Gabe," or Emmanuel, shortening it to "Manny." It was the first pregnancy dream I've had in which I wasn't scared to be pregnant.

Being aware of the biblical significance of these two names, I've done a little more research into them. Gabriel is from Hebrew and means "God's able-bodied one; hero of God," as in the angel, Gabriel, who delivers the fateful message to Mary.

Emmanuel means "God is with us," which I already knew. What I didn't know was that it is passable as a girl's name, in which case it can be spelled Emmanuelle. I think that's just lovely. I'd call her "Emmi" for short.

After this dream, I can't imagine naming my children anything else. It had a sense of the prophetic. Am I crazy?

I desire

I am 9 days in to a 40-day program/process called "The Prosperity Plan" (created by John Randolph Price and shared with me by personal life & career coach, & my friend, Kimberly Barclay). Each day, I take about 20 minutes to meditate upon and then journal about one of ten affirmations (called "statements of principle") having to do with abundance, prosperity and fulfillment. My intention in participating in this process is to shift my relationship with money from one of 'having/not having' to one of trusting that I truly have everything that I need, money in the bank or not.

So far, I am gaining incredible insight and peace from this plan. Mostly, I love my morning meditation time, during which I sit on my patio (or, when it's too cold/wet at my dining room table looking out onto the patio), usually with a cup of tea, and sometimes breakfast, and just take in the early time of the day by focusing my attention on what is present for me. Tonight, I'm about to do today's meditation since I woke up in a hurry and started my day in a rush. As I wind down, I am moved to share one reflection in particular which I wrote yesterday after reflecting on principle #8. I hope that even if the religious language doesn't speak to you, you are still able to glean from it the differentiation to which I'm referring regarding what I'm learning goes on inside myself in relationship to that which is mine.

Enjoy!
~Kristin
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10/19/10

I desire what I have.
I have what I desire.
I want nothing.
When I am at my center with God, there is nothing I want or need.

My ego lays on the floor kicking and screaming because it's not getting what it wants.

Christ* sits "on high" within me and sees all, knows all and loves all.

When I align myself with this vantage point when I rise (or climb) above my very earthly, material worldview that sees my life as a series of possessions to be owned rather than blessings to be experienced, I take on the eyes, soul, heart and mind of Christ. I take on, even, the body of Christ, as the ego-ness in me melts away, blends with, gives into and transforms into the body of Christ, which is my true nature. Who I Really Am sees all, knows all, trusts all, believes all, hopes all, endures all, has all it needs and never ends. (see 1 Corinthians 13) I am infinite.

The trouble comes when my ego hears this and misunderstands that it is entitled to this inheritance. It is not; my thoughts, my feelings and body do not possess this nature. But because the ego wants satisfaction so badly, it kicks and screams and gropes and begs and does just about everything it can to convince God to give it what it wants. In this way, I am like a kid in a toy store. My creator, mother/father God is saying "You already have everything you need," and furthermore, "You really want what you have." So God takes me home and shows me all that is already mine: toys a-plenty to entertain me for days, food to nourish me indefinitely, friends with whom to play and share, and endless hugs and kisses to remind me of how loved I am. I forget all about the store and new toys and the wanting. And I am at peace - joy, even - with what is already mine.

It isn't so much what I have that calms the storm (none of it is really "mine," anyway), but the consciousness that points out and remembers all of these things that is truly responsible for the awareness of abundance I now have. There is no need to scold, admonish, guilt or punish myself for my tantrum or my yearning. All that is needed is a loving reminder from mySelf to myself that if only I let go of what I think I want and open up my hands to receive, I will be given all that I need and more: the awareness of what already is.

*By referencing "Christ" I am speaking of the consciousness of the resurrected and transfigured being as a spiritual essence, and not to the person of Jesus as a religious figure.

Random Acts

A random cute guy steps up to get his change from Surjit at the 76 station window: 3 fives and a quarter. "Add this to the fund," he says and slides the quarter back through the tray toward the massive expanse of my change that has taken over the counter. Surjit has already counted 8 of the 10 dollars I brought in my ziplock bag, which I counted earlier this morning to be precisely $10, and of which I refused to lose $0.98 to the coin count machine at Albertson's for a service charge. (If I had, by the way, agreed to buy one of the offered gift cards with my change, the machine would've counted my money for free, but being that they are my last $10 until Friday, I was not willing to lose even that .098 on the dollar.).

Ah, Simi Valley. Where the kindness of strangers reaches out as freely as the rays of sunshine through my second-story bedroom window. I am thankful today to be living in such a friendly place, where a random act of kindness from Random Cute Guy wearing an FBI t-shirt and a smile is surpassed only by the sweetness of Surjit who, when I apologized for bringing him a bag of coins, leaned in and said to me, "That's ok - everyone's broke right now."

In the spirit of this blog's title, I have selected a 'random' line from the book of Acts (the biblical Acts of the Apostles). I've chosen chapter 8 (my pump #) and verse 10 (the dollar amount of my bill), just for fun. I think it has relevance, or maybe it is just truly random. You can decide: All of them, from the least to the greatest, paid attention to him, saying, "This man is the 'Power of God' that is called 'Great.'" (Acts of the apostles, 8:10).

Or, perhaps, we'll go with chapter 10, verse 25 (my bill after Random Cute Guy's contribution), which reads, "When Peter entered, Cornelius met him and, falling at his feet, paid him homage." Well, that doesn't really say much of anything, so let's throw in the next line: "Peter, however, raised him up, saying, 'Get up. I myself am also a human being.'"

Aren't we all? Some much more than others.

Thanks, guys.

Peace,
Kristin

Real Friendship

'Evening, everyone.

A friend mentioned that he'd wish I'd write more rather than simply post these writings from the past. I agree, so, tonight, I'll do both. (Read: this is a long one. You've been warned). :)

I came across tonight's Impromptu writing, "Faith in You," and knew that it was the perfect one to share. You might read it first (below), and then come back to the present-day with me up here. Go ahead: I'll wait... ;-)

Ok. So, my life these days has really been about friendship for me. And as I read what I wrote in '99, I know that God was my best friend back then. As cliche and cheesy as that sounds, it's true. And for that, I am grateful. In a time when I truly felt misunderstood, even by myself, I was very aware of a loving force holding me up, sustaining me and hearing my pleas for connection. God was present to me in so many ways, and continues to be today. The difference now is that these days I am recognizing the gift of God's love in the presence of my very real, flesh-and-blood friends. This realization is enough to leave me feeling extremely satisfied and legitimately hope-filled.

Since moving into my new place in Simi (renting a room in a house), I have been celebrating companionship on a daily basis. Living with people again brings so many blessings and benefits, and the ladies with whom I am sharing this house make life so much more enjoyable. I have reconnected with my friend, Lauren. Back when she was in high school and I was her youth minister, she and I shared a lot of time together, talking about life, stalking her "SBB" (she'll know what that means) and solving the world's problems over coffee. Lauren has always represented to me a sense of free-spiritedness and has reflected to me my own desire to live a life of integrity and connection to the earth. This weekend, we reconnected in a special way and realized we have much more in common than we had ever known. I feel so grateful to now be living with this vibrant young woman who mirrors to me my own enthusiasm for a life well-lived on the road less-traveled.

Helping me arrive at this new home was Ina, whom I met in my last months in my North Hollywood apartment. Ina is my mother's age, and yet our spirits connected from Day 1 as if we grew up together, and we were two peas in a pod ever since we met. Ina's steadfast and beyond-generous extention of friendship toward me helped shake me out of the self-centered coma that I had been in for some time, as I was focused on finishing my grad program and figuring out what to do next in my life. It was her simple acts of kindness toward me that inspired me to once again remember and relive the exchange of giving and receiving inherent in all quality relationships. She has helped me to not be so focused on myself, my problems and my dilemmas, but to let go every once in a while of my need (desire) to control everything and handle all of my problems on my own. I will never forget how Ina enhanced my summer months by sharing them with me, and I hope to continue to be a friend to her, even though now we are separated by many miles and several cities.

The list goes on. Yesterday, I found myself at an introductory workshop for a church in which my friend, Bryce, is deeply involved. MSIA (msia.org) is in the historic West Adams district in L.A. and is a very beautiful spiritual center housing a very unique community. I know that God has led me there for some purpose, and I am thankful to Bryce for the living witness of loving that she has been for me. Ever since we connected, I have had the deepest sense that we're soul sisters from an earlier time, as if we went to elementary school together in a parallel universe. I look forward to sharing much more with her on our paths.

Speaking of elementary school, I have been enjoying a total blast from the past by reconnecting with Vann, whom I met in 1984 and with whom I traveled through almost each and every year of grade school. Having been out of touch for - oh, 20 years - we recently started talking again and have both been taking delight in the commonalities and memories that we share after all these years. I am very grateful to have rediscovered this friendship. While I am experiencing him as "back in my life," I am also realizing that, in a sense, he never left.

Have you ever had to - or wanted to - redefine a relationship, one way or another? That was a stupid question; of course you have. If we're really living in relationship with other people, those relationships go through periods and phases of change, morphing over time. They have to, in order to survive through the ups and downs and ins and outs of life. A relationship that never changes is likely dead, I think. Often these changes take place through acts of faith (like believing in someone despite a lack of evidence that you should) , and other times through risk-taking (like putting a thought or feeling out there that may be rejected and threaten the existence of the entire thing). Relationships are dynamic. Because they involve living, breathing, thinking, feeling people, they are subject to change. At times, these changes are sudden - abrupt - ocurring with little to no warning. Other times they are gradual, and you wake up one day to realize that the person who was once close to your heart is (for whatever reason) not there anymore. Or perhaps the opposite is true: a relationship deepens and a person becomes as familiar to you as your own heartbeat seemingly out of nowhere. Whatever direction the change, whatever the speed, and for whatever purpose, we might be confused or caught off-guard when a person's meaning in our lives changes. We may also confuse other people with this change. The truth is, nothing in life is guaranteed. We can think we know ourselves and another, but one day realize that we were mistaken. We were wrong, because we were disillusioned. We saw what we wanted to see. Or we were holding onto a reflection of an event that occurred light years ago, only now we're receiving the glow of the connection. Unless we are very here-and-now in our relationships with each other, we may be living a dream of the future, or a memory from the past, and not at all being ourselves, but, rather, playing out some sort of story of what could've or should've been. I bring all this up and go into this because I have experienced this dynamic lately, especially in one relationship in particular. My recent decision to end this relationship has confused some people, including, of course, the other person. Reflecting on this shift, and talking with some trusted friends about it, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything "wrong" by being very present to my feelings, both when they were "for" and when they were "against" the continuing of the relationship. I have simply been as present to "what is" as possible. This may make me look fickle, or untrustworthy. That's a risk I'm willing to take. As I said back in '99, "If you feel it in your heart, it can't be wrong." The challenge, of course, is distinguishing your heart from your head, or from whatever other part of your body may be calling the shots that day. This takes intense discernment, which is a skill and an ability that improves with practice, self-knowledge and trust.

That last paragraph contained far too many ideas and was ridiculously long and drawn out. But typing it here has saved me from having to spew it out to any number of my friends in up, coming conversations, so at least they can be grateful that I've chosen this forum to release that mumbo-jumbo...this time. ;-)

Love, blessings, light, hope, peace, grace, joy and glory to each and every one of us. May this week bring us all a deepened awareness and greater acceptance of all the ways in which we are loved by our friends who have been sent into our lives as angels to lead us along this leg of our journeys and give us faith.

~Kristin

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"Faith in You"

It’s important to believe in yourself. For when no one else has faith in your abilities or in your convictions, or when you feel that no one else could possibly understand how you feel or what you think, if you have faith in yourself and in all that you are and in all that you love, you will succeed. And know that God has faith in each and every one of His creations. God has faith in you, and you need not hide from the world. Out of darkness comes light. With each challenge to your faith in you comes opportunity for growth and self-knowledge. And out of every struggle comes revival and renewed hope, so that you pass through darkness into light and so that your light shines for the world to see. So stand up, speak up. If you feel it in your heart, it can’t be wrong. God speaks to the deepest parts of our souls. He speaks to our creativity, to our innovention. Never doubt that what you feel is what God wants you to feel. Feelings are the best guides toward action.

- Kristin Firestone, 10/27/99

Walking

Hello, all,

I took my first walk/jog in Simi today. It was almost surreal to me. Everything here is so beautiful - almost too beautiful. It reminded me of my walks around LMU, back in the day. And so I post another installment of writings from the past. I hope you enjoy!
~Kristin

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"Carmen"

I walk this route every day for exercise, for sport, just because, in a sense. There’s a hill at the end of the route that I walk, alone every day. It usually requires a lot of self-motivation and always leaves me short of breath. I walk this route every day alone. I work hard, I think hard, trying to improve my well-being. Well today I met a girl named Carmen walking up that hill only about 15 feet to the left of where I was. She wore a backpack and I watched her peppy gait and tried to keep up. “Think objectively now,” I told myself. “There’s a girl walking alongside of you with no one else around. If this were anywhere else you’d say hello.” She closed in the gap and walked closer to me, now almost at my side. How strange not to say a word when we’re about to climb this hill together. “Where do you walk from?” Simple enough. We talk and walk about school and exercise. When she leaves me (“Which way are you going?” “Well, I’m going this way.” “Hope to see you around, Carmen.” It was nice meeting you. Nice to meet you, too.) I barely remember climbing that hill, the hill I climb alone every day. The hill of thought, of feelings stirring up inside, sometimes released. Tears often shed in the guise of sweat. The hill I climb alone, where no one sees me but the security guy at the gate. Carmen climbed with me today. I don’t feel like I got a workout. Usually I hate that. I need to feel worked, to feel tired, to sweat tears. Thing is, my muscles still danced after I came back from my walk. Sweat still poured. I still got my dose of exercise. What a different route it was with Carmen there. Same one I take every day, but this time I wasn’t alone. Tomorrow I’ll walk the route again, and, inevitably, that hill. My friends think I’m looney for doing this every day. “You’ll be in shape by the end of the year” Carmen says. Only if I can share my walk with people like you, Carmen.

I don’t like to take people with me who are amateur walkers. But Carmen’s been walking and she knows how to walk and if we happen to walk a similar route, all the better for me.

...

"Carmen 2"

The next time you wake up in your first-class dorm room, yawning away a mid-week hangover, and you decide to skip that 8:00 class, I hope she walks by your window carrying her backpack. Because, you see, she takes the bus here from Beverly Hills every day (well, Hollywood this morning) and she’ll be sitting in your 8 o’clock class, maybe even in your seat. And when the time comes for that midterm and you grace the class with your presence 2 days before the exam, don’t go asking her for her notes. Because, you see, she comes all the way from Beverly Hills and this is her only class today.

- Kristin Firestone, 10/1/98