Real Friendship

'Evening, everyone.

A friend mentioned that he'd wish I'd write more rather than simply post these writings from the past. I agree, so, tonight, I'll do both. (Read: this is a long one. You've been warned). :)

I came across tonight's Impromptu writing, "Faith in You," and knew that it was the perfect one to share. You might read it first (below), and then come back to the present-day with me up here. Go ahead: I'll wait... ;-)

Ok. So, my life these days has really been about friendship for me. And as I read what I wrote in '99, I know that God was my best friend back then. As cliche and cheesy as that sounds, it's true. And for that, I am grateful. In a time when I truly felt misunderstood, even by myself, I was very aware of a loving force holding me up, sustaining me and hearing my pleas for connection. God was present to me in so many ways, and continues to be today. The difference now is that these days I am recognizing the gift of God's love in the presence of my very real, flesh-and-blood friends. This realization is enough to leave me feeling extremely satisfied and legitimately hope-filled.

Since moving into my new place in Simi (renting a room in a house), I have been celebrating companionship on a daily basis. Living with people again brings so many blessings and benefits, and the ladies with whom I am sharing this house make life so much more enjoyable. I have reconnected with my friend, Lauren. Back when she was in high school and I was her youth minister, she and I shared a lot of time together, talking about life, stalking her "SBB" (she'll know what that means) and solving the world's problems over coffee. Lauren has always represented to me a sense of free-spiritedness and has reflected to me my own desire to live a life of integrity and connection to the earth. This weekend, we reconnected in a special way and realized we have much more in common than we had ever known. I feel so grateful to now be living with this vibrant young woman who mirrors to me my own enthusiasm for a life well-lived on the road less-traveled.

Helping me arrive at this new home was Ina, whom I met in my last months in my North Hollywood apartment. Ina is my mother's age, and yet our spirits connected from Day 1 as if we grew up together, and we were two peas in a pod ever since we met. Ina's steadfast and beyond-generous extention of friendship toward me helped shake me out of the self-centered coma that I had been in for some time, as I was focused on finishing my grad program and figuring out what to do next in my life. It was her simple acts of kindness toward me that inspired me to once again remember and relive the exchange of giving and receiving inherent in all quality relationships. She has helped me to not be so focused on myself, my problems and my dilemmas, but to let go every once in a while of my need (desire) to control everything and handle all of my problems on my own. I will never forget how Ina enhanced my summer months by sharing them with me, and I hope to continue to be a friend to her, even though now we are separated by many miles and several cities.

The list goes on. Yesterday, I found myself at an introductory workshop for a church in which my friend, Bryce, is deeply involved. MSIA (msia.org) is in the historic West Adams district in L.A. and is a very beautiful spiritual center housing a very unique community. I know that God has led me there for some purpose, and I am thankful to Bryce for the living witness of loving that she has been for me. Ever since we connected, I have had the deepest sense that we're soul sisters from an earlier time, as if we went to elementary school together in a parallel universe. I look forward to sharing much more with her on our paths.

Speaking of elementary school, I have been enjoying a total blast from the past by reconnecting with Vann, whom I met in 1984 and with whom I traveled through almost each and every year of grade school. Having been out of touch for - oh, 20 years - we recently started talking again and have both been taking delight in the commonalities and memories that we share after all these years. I am very grateful to have rediscovered this friendship. While I am experiencing him as "back in my life," I am also realizing that, in a sense, he never left.

Have you ever had to - or wanted to - redefine a relationship, one way or another? That was a stupid question; of course you have. If we're really living in relationship with other people, those relationships go through periods and phases of change, morphing over time. They have to, in order to survive through the ups and downs and ins and outs of life. A relationship that never changes is likely dead, I think. Often these changes take place through acts of faith (like believing in someone despite a lack of evidence that you should) , and other times through risk-taking (like putting a thought or feeling out there that may be rejected and threaten the existence of the entire thing). Relationships are dynamic. Because they involve living, breathing, thinking, feeling people, they are subject to change. At times, these changes are sudden - abrupt - ocurring with little to no warning. Other times they are gradual, and you wake up one day to realize that the person who was once close to your heart is (for whatever reason) not there anymore. Or perhaps the opposite is true: a relationship deepens and a person becomes as familiar to you as your own heartbeat seemingly out of nowhere. Whatever direction the change, whatever the speed, and for whatever purpose, we might be confused or caught off-guard when a person's meaning in our lives changes. We may also confuse other people with this change. The truth is, nothing in life is guaranteed. We can think we know ourselves and another, but one day realize that we were mistaken. We were wrong, because we were disillusioned. We saw what we wanted to see. Or we were holding onto a reflection of an event that occurred light years ago, only now we're receiving the glow of the connection. Unless we are very here-and-now in our relationships with each other, we may be living a dream of the future, or a memory from the past, and not at all being ourselves, but, rather, playing out some sort of story of what could've or should've been. I bring all this up and go into this because I have experienced this dynamic lately, especially in one relationship in particular. My recent decision to end this relationship has confused some people, including, of course, the other person. Reflecting on this shift, and talking with some trusted friends about it, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything "wrong" by being very present to my feelings, both when they were "for" and when they were "against" the continuing of the relationship. I have simply been as present to "what is" as possible. This may make me look fickle, or untrustworthy. That's a risk I'm willing to take. As I said back in '99, "If you feel it in your heart, it can't be wrong." The challenge, of course, is distinguishing your heart from your head, or from whatever other part of your body may be calling the shots that day. This takes intense discernment, which is a skill and an ability that improves with practice, self-knowledge and trust.

That last paragraph contained far too many ideas and was ridiculously long and drawn out. But typing it here has saved me from having to spew it out to any number of my friends in up, coming conversations, so at least they can be grateful that I've chosen this forum to release that mumbo-jumbo...this time. ;-)

Love, blessings, light, hope, peace, grace, joy and glory to each and every one of us. May this week bring us all a deepened awareness and greater acceptance of all the ways in which we are loved by our friends who have been sent into our lives as angels to lead us along this leg of our journeys and give us faith.

~Kristin

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"Faith in You"

It’s important to believe in yourself. For when no one else has faith in your abilities or in your convictions, or when you feel that no one else could possibly understand how you feel or what you think, if you have faith in yourself and in all that you are and in all that you love, you will succeed. And know that God has faith in each and every one of His creations. God has faith in you, and you need not hide from the world. Out of darkness comes light. With each challenge to your faith in you comes opportunity for growth and self-knowledge. And out of every struggle comes revival and renewed hope, so that you pass through darkness into light and so that your light shines for the world to see. So stand up, speak up. If you feel it in your heart, it can’t be wrong. God speaks to the deepest parts of our souls. He speaks to our creativity, to our innovention. Never doubt that what you feel is what God wants you to feel. Feelings are the best guides toward action.

- Kristin Firestone, 10/27/99