Something Real

Monday, July 22, 2013

Cookie Craze: how to let it rock your world

It's 9am and finally time for bed.

Last night, we tried having Cookie sleep in our bed. The previous night, we closed her out of the bedroom and she seemed ok, only she came meowing at the door several times. And before then, she slept with me, but Ashish was displaced to the couch because he was alternately afraid he would crush her or attack his feet in the middle of the night. But last night, we wanted to try having her in the room with us again. And so, with spray bottle full and in hand (just water, to startle her), we settled in for the night.

At first, we were off to a great start. I squirted her a couple times for fooling around with the blankets and our feet, and even shut her out once to tell her "I mean business!" Once she got the idea, we all three snuggled up and got some rest.

Until 4am.

Cookie decided she'd had enough of this Sleeping At Night thing and started to get rowdy. Wanting none of that - and not wishing to lose my hard-working husband to the couch again - I tossed her back out into the cold, cruel world of our condo, along with her condo, this short little fur-covered cylindrical thing that we're trying to make her fall in love with...and eventually sleep in.

We have no idea if Cookie slept last night.

Ashish found her sitting on the stairs when he got up at 7. No meowing from 4 until then, but had she slept? Had she played? We didn't see any sign of mischief or fun downstairs. And her condo, which sat just outside our cruelly closed bedroom door, seemed untouched by kitten paws.

It breaks our little new-kitty-loving hearts to think of her sleeping on those stairs. Or - worse! - staying up all night waiting for us to come out.

We are sleeping now because we didn't sleep last night.

But do I look unhappy???

So now, it's 9:30 (I'm typing on an iPad, so it's taking a while), and she's asleep. On me. Just how I like it. :) And I'm tired, too. 'Cause even though I slept a normal amount (11 to 4 and then 4 to almost 8) in the back of my mind I was wondering about her. And worrying a little bit.

Why have I chosen this path of pet ownership? Life was sure easier when I had a guaranteed good night's sleep, could brush my teeth without fearing teeth in my ankles and wasn't scooping up clay-covered cat poop all day. It would've been so easy to let Animal Control take this little one away with her kitty siblings instead of walking away toting a tortie like a crazed Cat Lady.

It's like we are parents now, me and Ashish. Our world has been rocked by this three-pound, three-month wild animal we now have living in our house. And Why do we do this? I grew up with a house full o' pets, but this is something different this time. Mom and dad aren't here to do the dirty work. WE ARE mom and dad.

I guess it's only the beginning. The beginning of Something Real. What else is there in life, than to love and be loved? Be it beast, or fowl, or human.

So two months into our marriage and we are parents. Mazel tov!

Want to experience your own Cookie Craze? Here are 10 steps to let it rock YOUR world, the way I see it:

1. Identify a small animal of your choosing.

2. Give her* a name.

3. Bring her home.

4. Buy her fun/useful/necessary things. Spend way more money than you planned.

5. Find her a good doctor and have her checked out. Spend way more money than you planned.

6. Feed her. Regularly.

7. Clean up after her. Consistently.

8. Play with her. A lot. More than you think you want to.

9. Discipline her enough so that you can enjoy having her around.

10. (This is the big payoff) Snuggle her and love her and write about her and talk about her and take pictures of her and sleep with her and keep her forever and ever. <3

*or him. I had to pick a gender because using "it" just didn't seem right.

What about you? Has Cookie Craze (or it's equivalent) rocked your world? What are the joys...and the challenges? And if it hasn't yet, what's keeping you from it, or what do you look forward to? I'd love to hear from you! Let's share stories!

Monday, July 15, 2013

My Fair Wedding Vendors

As many of you know, I got married back in May to my husband, Ashish. Our wedding was truly a joyful and beautiful celebration, and I've received lots of very sweet and gracious compliments on it. Not to sound boastful, but Ashish and I worked really hard to get some fine details into place. It feels good to know that those odds and ends, big decisions and major choices all amounted to something worthwhile - a great wedding day that we will remember forever.

My dad was asking me today about my videographer. I sent him home with a copy of our wedding DVD and he was super-impressed. (This is big coming from my dad as he, himself, also films weddings). I was happy to hear that others had also been asking about our guy, and thought that it might be helpful to share all of my wedding vendors with people. Now that it's been about 2 months since the "big day," I feel like I can take a look at all the wedding stuff again without feeling overwhelmed.

So, here they are, in no particular order:

OUR WONDERFUL WEDDING VENDORS!!!

OUR VENUE: Calamigos Ranch, Malibu, CA

We booked "The Oaks" venue at Calamigos in Malibu Canyon, which had a beautiful outdoor patio for the ceremony and indoor reception seating. They advertise a capacity of 130, but 110 felt just right (we did 12 tables of 8, 9 or 10). Also, for the ceremony, our guests fit perfectly on the patio. What a lovely spot! All of the venues at Calamigos are equally quaint, gorgeous, and boast a great amount of "rustic elegance," as I like to call it.

Our consultant in the wedding office was Samantha Douglas. She was great. As the wedding neared, Samantha was no longer available to be in touch (I hear she was ill -- hopefully doing better now), and so we got passed over to a couple other wedding associates. This proved challenging, as we had to deal with a lot of run-around, double-explaining, etc. that was super frustrating. I wish they would have just assigned one person to handle everything for us, or at least keep one another in the loop. (If everyone's in charge, then no one is, right?) The biggest frustration was that at the rehearsal evening, when we sat down with a girl we'd never met to go over our details, NONE of the changes we'd been emailed about for the past 2 weeks had been noted. It was like starting all over again.

Additionally, Calamigos is expensive. I won't reveal how much we paid, but it was steep, and the costs kept adding up. But, it's a beautiful, enchanting and intimate space, and, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted our wedding anywhere else! I think that if you go in prepared for some challenges, ask A LOT of questions, and maybe even do what we did and hire a "day-of" coordinator, you will thoroughly enjoy a picturesque and peaceful wedding day.

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

"The Oaks" at Calamigos Ranch

OUR WEDDING PLANNER: Taryn Leach Events + Paper Studio

Uh. Maze. Ing. Taryn saved me. SAVED me. On my way to becoming the most ferocious of Bridezillas in the weeks leading up to my wedding, I discovered The Wonder That Is Taryn through my friend (& fellow bride-to-be) Brynn. I'm so thankful Brynn was willing to share her coordinator with me, because Taryn did what I couldn't - she tied everything up with a beautiful bow.

I had busted my butt organizing everything, coordinating vendors, etc, and then about 2 weeks before the wedding, Taryn and I met and she really took the reins. I CANNOT OVERESTIMATE HOW ESSENTIAL IT WAS TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN CHARGE OF THE WEDDING. :) :) :) I didn't believe I needed a coordinator because I'm a great planner, and good at directing people. But, really? For me & Ashish to be able to relax and just enjoy our day and our friends and family? We needed someone. And not someone who was a guest at the wedding. We needed Taryn - our wedding day angel.

Her attention to detail was impeccable. Spreadsheets, forms, fancy-schmancy procedures. And she was a pleasure to work with. Her pricing was reasonable, and she was willing to negotiate with me, since I hadn't budgeted a dime for her. :-/ She was worth every penny.

Me and my Fairy Godmother, Taryn,
still smiling at the end of the night!

Check out this most glorious SLIDE SHOW of our wedding Taryn put up on her web site!

OUR FLOWERS: Tweeny Kau, The Flower Lab, Santa Monica, CA

Ok. So, Tweeny is this scientist who decided that what she really wanted to do was open a flower shop. And she did. And I just happened to come across it one day while walking down 7th street in Santa Monica. And, boy, am I glad I did! From the very first time we met (when I had very little idea of what I wanted and NO idea the names of any of the flowers I thought I MIGHT want), Tweeny was patient, adaptable, and always so kind. Whether in person or via email, her customer service was gentle and thorough. She really knows how to work with indecisive people.

Word is she's handing over The Flower Lab to her assistant, Una, this Fall to focus on being a momma. But I have good faith that in the hands of Una, the Lab will still be Fab! (Una did a lot of the work for our wedding.)

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

When my mom saw my bouquet, she cried, and then I cried!

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

I want to put ALL the flower pics up,
but there's no room!

OUR DJ: DJ Keelez

DJ Keelez (or Bernadette Quiles, her non-Super Hero name) is seriously awesome. This woman put up with SO MUCH from me and Taryn in the week/days leading up to the wedding. We didn't have a super-complicated plan or anything, but just needed to make some changes here and there, and she rolled with it all.

Here's my favorite part of what she did for us (and forgive me for being a ceremony nerd on this one): I had a very specific song cue that I wanted to hit for my procession. The song playing before my entrance was running short, and as I waited in the back I was like, "Oh, no! The song is ending and the flower girl isn't in yet!" What did DJ Keelez do? She looped that sh*t like the pro she is. Seamless. Elegant. Top-notch. This is what she did and what she is.

Hire this woman for your wedding. Your bar mitzvah. Your party. She will ROCK. THE. HOUSE.

And, uh, a female DJ. How cool is that?!?

OUR PHOTOGRAPHERS: Jennifer Carrillo, Bella Rosa Photography (assisted by Rochelle Bettis)

A picture is worth 1,000 words. Here are 2,000. :)

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo.
All Rights Reserved.

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo.
All Rights Reserved.

OUR VIDEOGRAPHER: Ian Delgado, Bright Glare Pictures

If I could upload the video here, I would. And I probably can. But I don't want to. Because what Ian captured and put together is such a personal account of our wedding ceremony, I don't want it to get too far away from us.

This young man UNDERSOLD himself. By A LOT. And while I'm not glad he did it, I'm glad he did it for us, because I don't think we'd've been able to afford him at what he's worth. With less than a month to go before our wedding, without a videographer, we turned to Thumbtack for bids on the gig. What we found was Ian, totally willing to work with us in our budget, to film our wedding ceremony.

The man HAND-DELIVERED our wedding DVDs (two beautiful copies, complete with personalized box art that came STRAIGHT from our wedding program. Don't know how he did that) TO OUR HOME (don't count on it - he was in the area...but STILL!). What we received is nothing short of *perfect.*

Get this guy before word gets out and his rates sky-rocket. Seriously. You will not be disappointed.

OUR CAKE & DESSERT TABLE: Alicia Laski, Ali's Custom Cakes

My big sister rocks. Not only did she make a BEAUTIFUL, DELICIOUS cake for our 100+ guests to enjoy. She also INSISTED on baking an 8-foot-spread of AMAZING, DELECTABLE, SCRUMPTIOUS desserts (or so I'm told; I didn't get to have any!).

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo.
All Rights Reserved.

Talk about Pinterest-quality! :) PLUS, she's super-easy to work with and MUY friendly. You should see this kitchen she bakes in, though... I'm in awe of what she can create in such a small space, and with 2 kids, a dog, a husband, and a full-time job as a 3rd grade teacher all goin' on at the same time. In short, she ROCKS! And so do her desserts!

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

The dessert table was demolished before the dance floor even opened!

OUR CATERER: Mel Walker, GourMel

So, our venue provided catering (from a company called "Duck Duck Mousse," which was delicious, in case I forgot to mention the food. Are you surprised I didn't mention the food?? That's because brides and grooms don't eat at their wedding!).

Anyway, the venue caterer did not offer an Indian entree, and we wanted that option for Ashish's family. After a failed attempt at getting them to cook a recipe we provided, we once again hit up Thumbtack for an outside caterer to make some Indian food. When we found Mel, we knew we had hit the jackpot, and ended up hiring her for all of our wedding week meals.

We did a family dinner mash-up of Indian and Italian (Wednesday), an Indian rehearsal dinner (Thursday), an Indian lunch (for Ashish's sister's wedding that Friday), an Indian samosa station during cocktail hour at the wedding, and 10 plated Indian entrees at the reception.

All I can say is: WOW. Mel personally delivered, reheated and set-up all of the weekday dinners herself. She came all the way up to the remote home where we were staying and worked her booty off int he kitchen. Her professionalism was OUTSTANDING. Truly extraordinary.

And the food? Magnifique! Even the Indians were super-impressed with the Indian food. Way to go, Mel!

Hire this woman for your next party, corporate event, wedding, Sunday night dinner -- whatEVER! She is the real deal.

HAIR & MAKE-UP: Irene Vuong & Evelyn, Jade Design Studio, Santa Monica

Another above-and-beyond vendor prize goes to Irene and Evelyn from Jade Design Studio for fancying us up for the wedding day. Irene did my hair, my mom's Marcela's and Hannah's, and Evelyn did makeup for me and my mom.

They came all the way to Westlake Village from Santa Monica and gave us EXACTLY what we wanted. Irene and I even invented an up-do together. I think I'll have her call it "the Kristin."

Aren't we GORgeous? :)

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

Momma, Marci, Hannah and me with our stylist Irene

"the Kristin"

A FEW MORE...

Not vendors so much, but brands:

WEDDING GOWN

I got my dress at David's Bridal in Burbank. It was designed by Oleg Cassini. And it was ON SALE for less than $1,000. Absolutely amazing. David's carries a couple high-end designer brands that go on sale every so often. Even though their other stuff can be a little cheap and generic, their designer gowns are a great find.

BRIDESMAID DRESSES

We found *the perfect* dresses for my beautiful bridesmaids. The color was rare and glorious. The fabric was elegant. The quality was fantastic. We bought them at George's Tailoring and Formal Wear in Santa Monica. It's this teeny-tiny shop owned and operated by Natalie, who I think is George's daughter. She makes the sales, he does the alterations. (One of my 'maids had her alterations done there and they turned out great. My mom did my sisters' alterations.)

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo.
All Rights Reserved.

Kaylee looking lovely

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

Is it pink? Is it coral? No - it's mango tango!

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo.
All Rights Reserved.

Alicia sporting her bodacious backside

The dresses were B2 Bridesmaids by Jasmine, Style B4101 in Mango Tango. We did not go in looking for this particular dress, but Natalie recommended it and it turned out to be ideal.

All dress alterations were completed by my very talented, beautiful mother, Janice Firestone. Contact me to get in touch with her if you have alteration needs. She does everything from costumes to gowns to patio furniture covers. And all her work is hand-made. She will make you a dress from scratch. She is that awesome.

In addition to all of the above goodness, I had a lot of fun creating little do-dads for the wedding. I don't know if many people cared, or noticed, but I liked expressing my creativity with little projects like "take-home-the-centerpiece" table tents, programs, table numbers, a unity candle set and other such items. If you'd like to read more and see some pics of those items, click here for my "Wedding Details that Nobody Notices But Are Important Anyway" blog post. :)

Well, I think that's it! We've got flowers, photos, fashion, food, folks and fun! Put 'em together and you have one very FABULOUS wedding experience. All of the vendors with whom we worked were stellar, and to top it all off, they were all genuinely kind, hard-working people. I feel like we really lucked out on some of them who don't yet know the full extent of their own worth.

If you'd like any additional information on any of these vendors, brands, or my wedding planning experience, please be in touch! I welcome you! I really enjoyed planning my wedding, despite the stressful moments, and would love to help you in any way that I can.

In love,
~Kristin

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Wedding Details that Nobody Notices But Are Important Anyway

I am of the opinion that the devil is in the details. Or - wait a minute. The GOD is in the details! (I've come to learn that the former phrase actually derived from the latter, but anyway... See what I mean?!)

In other words, I love details. Details are like the magic fairy dust sprinkled on an event or a moment that give it just the right amount of sparkle to catch your eye and have you going, "Ah! Did you see that? That's COOL!"

So, for my wedding, I had some sweet little details of which I am personally and especially proud, because I think they turned out really nice! I have NO IDEA who, if anyone, noticed or cared. But, I did, so that's what matters!

I'll share them here with you, in case you want to steal any of these ideas.

And if you see anything that you'd like to use for your wedding or event, get in touch and I'll share templates with you. Or we can arrange for me to do them for you, for a small fee (like your first-born child. or maybe something more simple, like a Starbucks gift card:)

Devilish Detail #1: Centerpiece Giveaway Table Tents

Ok, so, it wasn't my idea to make these BUT the text was all mine! In addition to having 2 of these on each dining table, the DJ also announced the procedure part-way through the night.

I didn't want this big hulabaloo made about who gets to take the centerpieces home, so we (my coordinator and I) thought it would be subtle and sophisticated to put these puppies out.

Feel free to steal!

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

paper and stamp from Paper Source / paper color: persimmon

Devilish Detail #2: Escort Cards

These are not very novel, but I still like how they turned out.

Perforated paper-bag printable placecards from Paper Source + that stamp, again = magic!

The detail here is that I indicated which entree the guest was receiving by placing the stamp in a different corner. So, upper right corner was Chicken, lower right was Salmon, etc. The kitchen captain got the key and we were good to go!

ONE CHANGE I WOULD MAKE: choose a more visible stamp color. I think it was hard to see in our low-lit venue.

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

Name font: Business Penmanship / Table font: Futura

Devilish Detail #3: Table Tents

Again, nothing novel here. I just want to show off what I did with Vera Wang's Table Number Tent Cards from Paper Source.

It's true I can't take full creative credit for this. My maid-of-honor, Marcela, came up with the design.

Just a little ribbon of fancy paper at the bottom, a stamp at the top and - voila! Fancy table tents!

Devilish Detail #4: Kids' Kits

Expecting the little ones to be restless throughout dinner and the speeches, I created personalized little kits for each of them with some things for them to do at their tables. We only had 6 children at our wedding, so this was a piece of cake.

For the smaller ones (age 4-6), I tied together a coloring book and a little box of crayons, like they give out at restaurants with the kids' menus.

For the older kids (age 8-12), I created a little stack of Mad Lib-style cards for them that I stole from Martha Stewart Weddings. Did they do them? I have no idea. But I like to think they did, and had a blast! :)

Bella Rosa Photography by Jennifer Carrillo. All Rights Reserved.

Tied to each Kid Kit was a rustic tree-branch pencil and
a paper lotus flower that my sister made for my Bridal Shower. Aww! :)

Devilish Detail #5: Unity Candle(s)

I saved this for last, because it's my favorite!

It's our Unity Candle. Rather, CANDLES.

To symbolize the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit (Catholic, from my background) and the 7 steps that a couple takes around the Sacred Fire (Hindu, from my husband's background), we chose to light a bunch of candles together at our wedding rather than the usual One Each.

So, here's what we did:

Dads lit Moms' tapers.
Ashish and I took tapers from Moms (representing the life we received from our parents).
Ashish and I lit all seven small candles (labeled each with one of the Gifts of the Holy Spirit which are: courage, understanding, reverence, awe & wonder, knowledge, counsel and wisdom.)
THEN, we lit the main candle, which was labeled with a sticker with our names on it, tied up with a pretty little bow.

After the ceremony, this arrangement framed the front of our sweetheart table (see photo).

And NOW, these eight special candles sit on the fireplace mantle in our living room. A constant reminder of our unity and prayers for those gifts we need the most to maintain it. :)

Unity candle set

close-up of one the "Courage" candle

our sweetheart table lined with the Unity Candle set

Ok. ONE MORE!

Devilish Detail #6: The Program

Even if nobody cares too much about what's going to happen in the ceremony or who's coming down the aisle, I like making that information available anyway. You know that kid who always wants to know the class agenda for the day? Yeah. That was me. And as I teacher I especially like letting people know what's coming up. That way, they're ready for it, and looking out.

Again, with the guidance of my MOH, Marci, I ended up making the program a double-sided half sheet. It was on nice paper from Paper Source, but not cardstock. I couldn't stand to see too much fancy, expensive paper wasted.

I really enjoyed making our programs. Let me know if I can't help you with program design in any way.

the front side of our ceremony program.

the back side listed the people in the procession.

So, thanks for checking out my wedding details. I'd love to read comments about your own details, or questions about any of the above.

If you're planning a wedding or helping out a friend, make sure to also check out my post My Fair Wedding Vendors for reviews and links to all the vendors with whom I worked for my wedding.

Happy preparing!

~Kristin

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Having lunch with my iPhone

Today I had lunch at Chipotle on the Third Street Promenade. It was a break from my couple-hour shopping trip in which I returned some ill-fitting merchandise and bought myself a much-needed coat (for my trip back East this weekend; not for sunny Santa Monica weather, of course. But it's a 'classic' - a gray wool trench from Banana Republic: super cute, stylish and timeless!).

While sitting down to my burrito bowl (+ guacamole, and no, I don't mind the $2 extra for that spoonful of green goodness!), I took out my iPhone, laid it down on the table just to my right, and checked in on the WordFeud game I'm playing with my dad. After making my move with a measly 12-point word, I realized I had been staring down at my screen for quite a while. When I looked up and around, nearly every customer in the dining room around me had their iPhone or other smart device on the table to their right. We were all having lunch with our iPhones.

What did I do before I had a cell phone when no one else was around? Certainly, I dined alone, and drove alone, and walked around alone... and I did ok. I watched people, I'm sure. Looked out the window contemplating things, and people. It made me sad to remember those days before when I was forced to just 'be,' without any distractions or things to do for just. five. minutes. And now, here we are, staring down at the table. Alone. And in the lonely company of our phones. It actually made me smile, a little, when I noticed the company I was in - all those other people dining with a handheld device. It was cute, like a scene from an awkward middle school moment where everyone's uncomfortable, but we're all in it together. It revealed to me our true vulnerability. And I like how no one was pretending like they weren't totally eating with their cell phones. It's just a fact now. Just a common practice. It's so weird, though, and kind of endearing that we're so attached. Since when is it ok to be a grownup using a pacifier? Or carrying a favorite toy or blankie in public? Bitter sweet.

I'm watching a squirrel eat something outside my living room window right now. It's nice to look up every once in a while and notice things going on around me.

I'm going to watch Mad Men, though, 'cause I'm about a season-and-a-half away from being all caught up on this show. What I should really do is go take a walk and enjoy this glorious weather and beautiful day. But, I'm gonna finish typing this, and then check my Facebook for the 47th time today, and then zone out in the '60s with Don Draper and company.

Meanwhile, this squirrel is still eating. Chowing down on something yummy.

I think I'll go see what's he's up to.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Coming clean

I'm reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Dr. Brene Brown. She's talking about shame and vulnerability. She has a lot to say. I'm writing about this right now because I am working on developing what she calls "shame resilience." I'm taking seriously her recommendation to own my own story rather than hide from it and hide it from others.

You may know that I started up a new blog, "Elapsing Elegantly." It's actually a whole website of blogs dedicated to sharing how I spend my time each day. I arranged the site according to days of the week, mirroring how I'm putting structure onto the rather unstructured time I have on my hands. And I've been making updates to those blogs, sharing little anecdotes and glimpses into my day - everything from what I'm baking to what I'm reading, etc. Well, I'm really tempted to say that the whole site is a sham and that I'm stupid for even starting it. 'Cause who can believe that a 'house woman' with no job and a lot of time on her hands has anything really interesting to share? I realize what I'm experiencing is a great amount of shame right now about pretending that I feel great about my life when, really, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Ah! It already feels better to say that, even if it is only partially true.

I've been convincing myself that wedding planning and visits to loved ones is enough to keep me satisfied. Laundry day's on Thursdays, and on Mondays I meditate to start the week off right...

The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm bored, and I'm lost and confused. In a conversation with my fiance today, he reminded me about the baby-steps approach that I can take to getting back on track. The encouragement he shared with me is similar to what I have myself told so many other people: Find your purpose and then do things in alignment with it. But that's just the problem, you see. And as soon as he mentioned an overall life purpose, I panicked. What is my purpose? I sat on the couch and cried and cried. Easy for him to say, Mr. College Professor making an impact at a fancy-schmancy school. After a little while of feeling sorry for myself, I picked up Brene's book. Her words sooth me, because they help me realize that dwelling in my own shame will do nothing but perpetuate it. And if I'm feeling guilty, it's better to just come out with it than to cover it up.

I miss my old blog - this one. I'm coming back to "Then Sings My Soul." At least then, when I was updating here, I had a purpose; each update was a song of my soul. That was my purpose - to Sing my Soul. But Elapsing Elegantly? Just waiting around for time to pass and finding little things to do to not feel guilty that I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life? There is no purpose for me in that. That doesn't pull me - it doesn't inspire me to simply elapse. And what's this elegantly thing? There is really not much that's very elegant about me these days other than the way I try and present myself to the world. My life is messy, unfocused, filled with starting and stopping, inconsistent. I'm clumsy. I'm learning. It's like I'm on new legs, and I forgot that I used to know how to walk. None of this artificial structure to an artificial life. Who am I kidding, anyway? Five blogs? Who has time for all that? At least here, I'm surrounded by old friends reminding me of Who I Really Am.

So, Who Am I, Really? and What's My Purpose?

Although I'm tempted to say, I just don't know, I also know that that's far from the truth. It's the fear talking, and it's not all that dramatic. Just because my life feels aimless does not mean that it is.

I look around this blog - and inside my own heart - and I see that I am a person who

Reads
Writes
Takes photos
Shares
Writes Poetry
Writes Music
Sings
Connects
Enjoys nature
Talks and writes about life and love

I am all those things, and more.

And what's my purpose?

Well, there's not be an immediate answer to that which will satisfy me, I can say that ultimately, my purpose is to be myself and to love.

Beyond that, in human terms, I don't really know what that looks like. But for now, I'll take it.

I titled this blog Coming Clean because that's what I want to do. I have, in the past, been ashamed to admit the truth about myself and my state of being. Rather, I typically have wanted myself to come across as perfect, elegant, graceful and enviable. Well, I'm not. I'm just like you. I'm just like everyone else. I want my life to be meaningful, and I want to have a sense of its significance; I want to know that I matter. And to make a difference - to have an impact. A good one. A positive one. I want my life to be a blessing.

It is with that intention that I reach out and write. And even though the shame monster is telling me all kinds of mean things while I'm doing it, I will work on building my resilience by moving forward anyway.

No one cares about your life or your stupid ideas.
Your blog is a useless waste of time.
You're kidding yourself thinking that anyone gives a shit about what you want to say.
You're not a real writer, so stop pretending to be one.
You're never really going to have any significance to the world at large.

...and a myriad of others. I'll spare you the rest.

Harsh, right? I should be ashamed of myself sharing such personal, ugly things with my readers.

What will people think?

What I hope you'll think is "Thank God I'm not the only one who has those thoughts or feels those feelings."

That's what I hope.

What I fear you'll think is, "My God, she's losing it. What a pitiful person."

(sigh)

But that's ok.

Because I feel better.

And I trust that my vulnerability is useful and helpful and advancing humanity by demonstrating how to own up to what's real and stop pretending and hiding.

And because I believe that despite any thoughts or feelings of shame I might have, I'm ok. I'm human. I'm natural. I'm real.

So, what about you?

Friday, June 22, 2012

Falling in Love

Falling in Love

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.
~Fr. Pedro Arrupe, S.J.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ego

I'm so over it.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Favorite Songs - The Second 50

I need to specify that these are "pop/radio" tunes; I haven't even tapped into musical theater, movie music, spiritual/religious stuff, etc. Those songs would be much more obscure anyway, and I don't really imagine that most people would catch those references. So, I'll stick to these, more "popular" tunes.

51. "Carolina In My Mind" - James Taylor

52. "Always Something There to Remind Me" - Naked Eyes
53. "What A Fool Believes" - Doobie Brothers
54. "Poison" - Bell Biv Devoe
55. "Sweet Freedom" - Michael McDonald
56. "Urge for Going" - Joni Mitchell
57. "I'm Free" - Jon Secada
58. "I Said I Loved You But I Lied" - Michael Bolton
59. "This Little Bird" - Jewel (& her mom)
60. "Please Forgive Me" - Bryan Adams
61. "Whatever You Say" - Martina McBride
62. "Bye Bye" - Jo Dee Messina
63. "These Days" - Rascal Flatts (How in the world do I pick just one?!?)
64. "Feels Like Today" - Rascal Flatts (I broke my own rule:)
65. "When You Come Back Down" - Nickel Creek (This is what magic sounds like)
66. "Higher Love" - Steve Winwood
67. "In Your Eyes" - Peter Gabriel (God, I loved the 80s.)
68. "If This Is It" - Huey Lewis and the News
69. "For the Longest Time" - Billy Joel
70. "Dreams" - Fleetwood Mac
71. "Stay" - Lisa Loeb (Soooooo 90s!)
72. "Dreams" - The Cranberries
73. "Sunny Came Home" - Shawn Colvin
74. "Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
75. "If You Could Only See" - Tonic
76. "I Have Nothing" - Whitney Houston (This is s repeat artist, too, but she deserves it.)
77. "Baby I'm Yours" - Shai
78. "Round and Round" - Tevin Campbell
79. "If You Love Me" - Brownstone
80. "You Gotta Be" - Des'ree
81. "These Dreams" - Heart
82. "Just My Imagination" - The Temptations
83. "After the Love Is Gone" - Earth, Wind and Fire
84. "Open Arms" - Journey
85. "More Than Words Can Say" - Alias
86. "It Must've Been Love" - Roxette
87. "I Can't Fight This Feeling"- REO Speedwagon
88. "Love Shack" - B-52s
89. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" - Tears for Fears
90. "Rainy Days and Mondays" - The Carpenters
91. "Sweet Surrender" - Sarah McLachlan
92. "No Fear" - Terri Clark
93. "No Arizona" - Jamie O'Neal
94. "Born to Fly" - Sara Evans
95. "Cowboy Take Me Away" - Dixie Chicks (my college roomies and I used to do interpretive dance to this song :)
96. "Break Away" - Kelly Clarkson (God, I love songs in 6/8.)
97. "I Wanna Know What Love Is" - Foreigner
98. "Part-Time Lover" - Stevie Wonder
99. "That's the Way It Is" - Celine Dion
100. "From This Moment" - Shania Twain

Wow. This list came a lot easier than I thought it would. I didn't think I'd put up the second 50 so soon after the first.

Of course, this list will go on and on (just like Celine's heart). I don't think I'll put out a third list just yet, though. This process could truly never end. I love music so much. I knew that, of course, but really realized in making these lists just how much music has shaped my life, my personality and my love. Where (or who?) would I be without it?

There are so many other songs from these artists and others that strike a chord and touch my heart and soul. I hope that if you're reading these blogs, you've perhaps been taken on a journey through some of your most favorite songs. And if I could introduce you to a new song or artist that you end up loving, then great!

Now, I'll be interested to see if my favorite songs have any similiarities. Like, key, time signature... or the fact that so many of them are love power ballads with key changes?!? I am such a sappy romantic!

Remember to check out the video that inspired this whole explorative project about the man in the nursing home who's brought to life by hearing the music that he loves.

May we be eager to love and be loved each and every day!

Happy Easter; Hallelujah!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Favorite Songs - The First 50

After seeing this beautiful video about an elderly man who is essentially brought to life by music, I started thinking about the music that animates me, that could make my soul feel alive.

I've begun a list. Here are 50 of the songs I'll call my "favorites," songs that can't help but get me to pay attention, light up and sing along.

I limited myself to only one song per group/artist. It was sometimes hard to pick just one, but I did it, otherwise, I could go on and on about certain artists.

Here they are, the first 50, in no particular order:

50 more are coming soon!